tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28537829415160126392024-03-12T18:53:05.940-04:00I'm Fat! So What? Like Me Anyway ;o)"I am in shape. Round is a shape."Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-88927247414844442872010-12-03T00:30:00.002-05:002010-12-03T00:32:48.046-05:00I Miss My Old Self!!!My hysterical 6 year old sat on the couch with a serious, sad face and said,<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: </span>"Mommy, I miss my old self."<br />
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It was all I could do not to laugh...this was a serious moment after all.<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me:</span> "Well, which old self is that?" (after all he is only 6 years old)<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son:</span> "The self that I was back when I was 5."<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me:</span> "Well, Honey that was a long time ago and people change. Why do you feel that way?"<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son:</span> "I was a better kid then."<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me:</span> "I think you are pretty great right now."<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: </span>"Yeah I am, but I was better then."<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me:</span> "Oh, I love you bean." (Yeah I call him bean, not really sure why).<br />
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<div style="color: purple;">This got me to thinking. You know this is a serious thought for such a little man to have. Between my laughter, I actually, kind of, felt sorry for him. I often feel like I miss my old self. Back when I was 5, well maybe not that young, but before I lost my virginity...he was a real asshole. Gosh, the things I could change, but then I started thinking about that movie Click and got scared. I might have actually ended up successful had I done things differently and then I couldn't enjoy my trailer park life now. That would be tragic! Okay my life isn't that bad...but I do wonder sometimes.</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-47097302382463870882010-11-04T12:04:00.000-04:002010-11-04T12:04:49.118-04:00I'm not good at ANYTHING! Well I am good at something, but that's not the point of this post. <a href="http://www.thesitsgirls.com/2010/10/halloween-crafts/">SITS</a> is giving away a camera so you know I am all up in that. They want me to share something that I have created for Halloween. Well I can't really share a baked good, since the last time I cooked, I burnt fish sticks. (No they were not home made...they were frozen) Yeah okay...you can stop laughing now. So I guess that leaves crafts...mmmm...well, I don't own a sewing machine for a reason. I would probably sew my boob to something. I did sew a stuffed animal by hand once, but that was a rabbit that couldn't keep it's legs closed ;) <br />
Okay so are you ready for what I came up with? Are you sure? You ARE ready? Okay well here it goes...this is brilliant, so feel free to steal the idea. (God knows I did). Okay, well....her it is:<br />
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<img src="http://www.wittyliving.com/crafts/halloween/graphics/ghost-pop.jpg" /><br />
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Do you know what it is? Here is a hint: You can eat it. <br />
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Wow! I can't believe you guessed it so fast. You are right...<br />
It's a <span style="color: red;">Lollipop Ghost. </span><span style="color: black;">Pretty crafty huh? I know, I know...it's hard being me. </span>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-41857332091294253612010-11-04T11:20:00.000-04:002010-11-04T11:20:06.272-04:00Halloween Long Ago!With the ending of another Halloween, trick or treating, craziness I long for the Halloweens of long ago. That and I want to win a camera from <a href="http://www.thesitsgirls.com/">SITS</a> who just happens to offer the <a href="http://www.thesitsgirls.com/">best blogging tips</a> ever, by the way <a href="http://www.thesitsgirls.com/">Tiffany is Pretty</a> (you'll have to go to their site to understand my randomness).<br />
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It's a cold rainy night, but I can feel the excitement rise up in my back. I love going Trick or Treating, I just wished everybody could see my Strawberry Shortcake costume that my mom made for me. It's awesome, but I have to wear this winter jacket or I'll freeze. I guess I'll just have to open it every time I get to the door. They just have to see it.<br />
My aunt pulls up in her van and my sister, mother, and I all hop in. This is going to be awesome...I can't believe how much candy I am going to get. My aunt slowly drives house to house as we hop out and run to the door, "Trick or Treat." Wow! A snickers bar...I love them, they are so nummy. "I really like going to this house." This goes on for a couple hours with us jumping out and back in with our new candy treasures. Then mom asks us the question we have been waiting for, "Do you want to stop at grandma's?"<br />
"Well YES mom! She's gives us the best, most tastiest, popcorn balls ever!." You see she makes hers with molasses, not carmel. They are my favorite. We pull up out front of grandma's house and we don't even wait for the van to come to a complete stop before we whip open the door and run to grandma. She picks on us, "Well who do we have here? Do I know you? Well of course I do. I didn't recognize you in your costumes. Come in so i can get you a special treat." I love the way grandma's house smells. It always smells like she is baking, whether she is or not. Her popcorn balls are the only thing we are allowed to eat before we go home so daddy can "check" our candy. She gives us one to eat right away and one for the road. "I love you grandma."<br />
It's time to head back home with a pumpkin so full that we had to empty it into a paper bag half way through the night. My dad is waiting for us so he can do the most important thing before we eat any candy. He needs to check it to make sure it's safe. I love my daddy, he always takes the "unsafe" candy and eats it so that we can't get sick :) <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: orange; font-size: large;">I love Halloween.</span></div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-81762218419741497192010-11-04T09:45:00.004-04:002010-11-04T09:48:36.647-04:00Meet Mr. Awesome!I know you must be dieing to meet the man behind the mystery, the one who makes us all laugh until we have "happy tears", the one that drives me crazy! So here he is....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/TNK4iaura4I/AAAAAAAAASc/S2tr55TQBZ4/s1600/Garden+Gnome.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" px="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/TNK4iaura4I/AAAAAAAAASc/S2tr55TQBZ4/s400/Garden+Gnome.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">Don't let his cuteness fool you. There is a mastermind behind that little face.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I think you can see why I laugh at him so much when he says the craziest things :)</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-47093807997627178632010-10-29T00:50:00.000-04:002010-10-29T00:50:32.694-04:00I DID IT!!!!! I Really Did It!<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://giveawayswithgrace.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="Giveaways with Grace" border="0" img="" src="http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7939/blogbutton.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">I started another website. Don't get your panties in a bunch I am still keeping this one, because let's face it...I need a place where I can swear, rant, rave, and embarrass my children. Plus I like all my blogger friends that I have found through this blog. If you like me when I am this bad then you'll love me on my other site. I just started it so don't get all judgemental when you check it out. It's a work in progress and I still have some content to add. Oh you want to know what kind of site it is, well it's the best kind...a giveaway site. Why? Because as hard as it is for you all to believe I am quite opinionated...yeah I know it's a shock, but we'll get through it together. I like giving people reviews on products and just about anything else. I pretty much have an opinion about everything. So go check it out and love me more...</span><br />
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</span>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-19566824114407040942010-10-25T13:28:00.000-04:002010-10-25T13:28:56.958-04:00Step Dad?My six year old son is a laugh a minute. I have no idea where he gets his ideas from or his vocabulary. This is a conversation we had this past week.<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "Mom, I want Coach Jason to be my step dad."</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: (Look at my husband and snicker) "Well okay...Do you know what would have to happen in order for that to happen?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: Looks at me like he's ready to drop a turd.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: "I would have to divorce daddy and marry Coach Jason."</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "Okay"</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: (roll eyes and laugh, drop subject)</span><br />
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Next Day,<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "Mom I really want Coach Jason to be my step dad."</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: "Sweetheart, that means Riley ( Coach Jason's son who just happens to be in the same class) would be your brother."</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "SWEET! Would Spencer still be my brother?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: "Yes, Spencer will always be your brother."</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "That means (BIG SMILE) my last name would be Dunlap."</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: "Well what would Riley's mom and daddy do? They would be all alone and lonely."</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Son: "They could marry each other."</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">Me: "Well, I'm glad we got that settled."</span>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-76262596434932313612010-10-21T08:56:00.001-04:002010-10-21T08:58:07.973-04:00We DON"T Do Cards Ten years and two weeks ago today we buried my best friend. I can't believe it has been that long. WOW! I still miss you daddy like it was yesterday. (yes I call him daddy and I am a grown woman...F@#* you for judging me.) There are so many things I would love to share with you. I love you.<br />
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Ten years ago today I married my new best friend. Yes your math is right. I got married two weeks after my father died. My dad always knew what was best for me and he made me promise the wedding would still happen. I can still hear my mother saying, "You promised your father." I didn't know at the time that my husband would turn into my best friend. I didn't think I needed one, because I always had my daddy. Well here I sit ten years later thankful that he came in to my life when he did. <br />
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If you know my husband(which you don't) you would know that he is not good at expressing feelings and he is never mushy. I can never remember him giving me a card for any occasion. He has always said that they are too expensive and he doesn't want to waste the money on them when he can put the money towards a gift. I have always been okay with that and after about five years I stopped buying cards too. (okay so maybe it took me awhile to adjust)As you all know we are poor right now due to me being out of work. Can you imagine my surprise when I sent to the bathroom at 4 a.m. this morning and there sat a rose bush and.... you guessed it! A card. You say, "So f#@$*&^ what?" and I say, "Go to hell." But we don't do cards! Let me tell you something, this was the sweetest gesture he could have made. The card was not real mushy, but it made the statement that he has such a hard time expressing himself. He told me he ADORED me. That's right, read em' and weep. Are you jealous? You should be. So many men love their wives, but how many ADORE them. Oh yes, I'm lucky. I know what you are thinking...How can anyone adore you? Well let me just say that I am adorable (oops I just made a funny) Yes not so little me is actually on the receiving end of adoration. Can life get any better than this? (well yes if I was working, but let's not ruin the moment).<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img height="332" src="http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1923/1923058hydscm2uyn.gif" width="400" /></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: x-large;">I Love You Baby!!!!</span></div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-14408742513635673532010-10-19T08:39:00.000-04:002010-10-19T08:39:01.742-04:00Follow Me Tuesday<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.boobiesbabiesandablog.com/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="BWS tips button" height="250" src="http://boobiesbabiesandablog.webs.com/fmbt200.png" width="250" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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<script src="http://www.linkytools.com/basic_linky_include.aspx?id=50480" type="text/javascript" ></script>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-18610129952875205012010-10-14T13:36:00.000-04:002010-10-14T13:36:26.595-04:00Grammy<div style="text-align: center;">So my mother, sister, and brother came for a visit. That was uneventful and fun, no one got hurt :)</div><div style="text-align: center;">My youngest son loves to play games so he talked them into playing Buzz Mega Quiz:</div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="BUZZ: The Mega Quiz" border="0" class="prod_image_selector" height="300" jquery1287076097706="9" onclick="openImmersiveView(event)" onload="if (typeof uet == 'function') { uet('af'); }" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51mDgU5AJFL._AA300_.jpg" width="300" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;">This game <span style="color: red;">Rocks</span>! Especially if you want to show your kids that you <span style="color: blue;">ARE</span> smarter than them. </div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;">My mother, two sons, and sister (who is not too smart) all decided to play. My mother of course knew most of the answers, but is not quick enough so she was struggling a bit until this question came up:</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-size: large;">The award given to a musical artist for selling a lot of records.</span></div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">Then it gave them four choices to pick from and my mother is the <span style="color: blue;">ONLY</span> one that got it right!</span></div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">GRAMMY</span></div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">My youngest son looked at her and said:</span></div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" style="text-align: center;">"Well of course you got it right, because you <span style="color: blue;">ARE</span> a Grammy!"</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-3400168529924403892010-10-10T23:52:00.001-04:002010-10-12T06:33:42.115-04:00Should I Stay or Should I Go?Well thank you to a few of my awesome blogger friends for such great advice. Jannie Funster over at <a href="http://www.janniefunster.com/">http://www.janniefunster.com/</a> and Michelle over at <a href="http://grownupgirlie.blogspot.com/">http://grownupgirlie.blogspot.com/</a> gave me a few websites that I could check out and Queenie Jeannie <a href="http://happy-jeannie.blogspot.com/">http://happy-jeannie.blogspot.com/</a> suggested I start an Etsy shop which I just might do if I can figure out how to make anything. If any of you have any other ideas that would be awesome. Prostitution is not an option...I already thought about that.<br />
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My next thought is: Should I start a separate blog that has more of a focus? What are some good blog topics? Should I get rid of this blog? I could keep both or just turn this blog into something besides my rantings about my pathetic life. What do you all think? (WOW! I almost sounded southern there for a minute)Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-6502960983336908332010-10-08T20:07:00.000-04:002010-10-08T20:07:07.381-04:00The shower smiles in a politician.Don't ask...I'll explain later.Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-56405194946239424212010-10-06T22:58:00.000-04:002010-10-06T22:58:47.890-04:00$$$ Money $$$As most of you know I lost my job earlier this year. This leaves me homebound and hating life. <span style="color: red;">I AM NOT A HOUSEWIFE!!!!</span> I am currently looking for a job, but the job market isn't all rainbows and sunshine right now.I started this blog out of boredom and for the fun of it. I really enjoy doing it, but I need to figure out how to turn some of this fun into income. So I need your help. I need to find a way to make some money working from home. What I need from you is your ideas. Now I want some legitimate ideas, not those get rich quick scams. I do not mind working at something if it is worth it and going to be profitable. My main goal is to be able to make $1000 a month, so I can at least pay the mortgage on our house. So any of you awesomely talented people out there that can throw me an idea or two would be greatly appreciated. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://www.fbcetowah.org/home/1086/1086/images/hands21c.jpg" /></div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-68467294406390099002010-09-29T06:48:00.005-04:002010-09-29T06:55:16.669-04:00Love to Hate<span style="color: #990000;">I would hate you IF I didn't love you so much.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you always drink out of the milk jug and then leave it somewhere for me to find?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you always throw my pillow on the floor and never pick it back up?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you take your nasty smelly socks off and leave them in a ball?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you trim your nose hairs and leave them in the bathroom sink?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e69138; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you refuse to order your own fries and then eat mine?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you always want sex when<em> </em>I<em> </em>don't?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you refuse to do what I ask until I turn into Super Bitch?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #38761d;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you look at me like I don't have the right to be Super Bitch?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you act like YOUR birthday is the most important day of the year?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: x-large;">WHY <span style="font-size: small;">do you take my car and leave the gas tank on empty?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;">WOW there are so many whys I could go all day, but I think this last one sums it up...</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">WHY do you have to be such a </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">fucktard?</span></div><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">I never understood the saying, "There is fine line between love and hate." I think I have a pretty good handle on it now though. I would really frickin' hate you IF I didn't love you sooooo much!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/TKMZVgQm8QI/AAAAAAAAAR4/MdFoOELlTQc/s1600/fucktardprayer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" px="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/TKMZVgQm8QI/AAAAAAAAAR4/MdFoOELlTQc/s1600/fucktardprayer.jpg" /></a></div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-62323322127457398382010-09-22T10:14:00.004-04:002010-09-22T10:20:10.968-04:00THE GYNO!!!!!!!I have three letters for you: <span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">I U D<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">. Let me tell you a little story about my crazy life. About 5 years ago after I had my youngest son the doctor told me "Mrs. Grace, NO MORE BABIES!" and I said "WHATEVER!" (I may have slightly been in denial) I decided to let the doctor talk me into getting an IUD. After all, it was safer than the pill and as soon as she said, <span style="color: red;">"NO PERIOD" </span><span style="color: black;">I said, </span><span style="color: purple;">"SIGN ME UP!" </span><span style="color: black;">I would like to say that is the end of my happy little story, but NO that would not be my life. it is now time to have this little sucker removed and "HELL YEAH, I want another one put in." No period for 5 years has been heaven. So here is my journey:</span></span></span><br />
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<img src="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/images/PPFA/080130-Mirena-IUD.gif" /><br />
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<u><span style="font-size: large;">Visit 1:</span></u><br />
<span style="color: blue;">1st Doctor:</span> "Mrs. Grace. I can not seem to find the strings. I am going to have to send you to another doctor that is more equipped to get it out."<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> "MMMM.......Okay."</span></span><br />
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<img src="http://www.msnpro.com/emoticons/best-emoticons/roll-eyes.gif" /><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Visit 2:</u></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">2nd Doctor: </span><span style="color: black;">"Oh I am sorry Mrs. Grace. I thought someone told you that we have to order the replacement IUD first. Since you are here though let me see if you I can find it...hmmmm I can not seem to see the strings. Let's get an ultrasound and make sure it's still in place. (3 hours and 20 ultrasound pictures later) Yep it's still there."</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">By the way they did an internal ultrasound --- it looks like a giant dildo with a condom on it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Me:</span><span style="color: black;"> "I didn't get this many pictures when I had my boys." After I got home I told the husband, "Well Honey, You are gonna be a dad! (showed him the pictures) Let's call him Mr. T."</span><br />
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<img height="200" src="http://smiswi.sasktelwebhosting.com/Images/US%20pelvic%20IUD.jpg" width="183" /><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Visit 3:</u></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">3rd Doctor:</span><span style="color: black;"> "Well Mrs. Grace, I do not normally take an IUD out and put another one in on the same visit, because insurance does not cover it. I see that you have been here a few times though."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Me: </span><span style="color: black;">"REALLY, Well no one told me that. That really sucks."</span><br />
<a href="http://images.zaazu.com/img/ohno-girl-ohno-female-smiley-emoticon-000467-medium.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://images.zaazu.com/img/ohno-girl-ohno-female-smiley-emoticon-000467-medium.gif" /></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"> <span style="color: blue;">3rd Doctor:</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><span style="color: black;">"Let me just check and see if I can find it. I'll try to remove it today and then you can come back and have another one put in." (After 3 great attempts) "I just can't get a hold of it and I do not want to put you through anymore pain. I will have you come back and we will try on the ultrasound so I can see what I am doing."</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="color: blue;">Me: </span><span style="color: black;">"Wonderful! I can't wait!"</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"> <img src="http://images.zaazu.com/img/girl02-female-roll-eyes-smirk-smiley-emoticon-000471-medium.gif" /></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-size: large;">Visit 4:</span></u><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">3rd Doctor: </span><span style="color: black;">"Okay so I am going to go in while you are on the ultrasound and hopefully we can get a hold of it and pull it out. You have been through so much that I will go ahead and put the other one in during this visit."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Me:</span><span style="color: black;"> "Gee Thanks! Are you good at video games? If you are good at video games then you should be able to get this."</span><br />
<br />
<img src="http://images.zaazu.com/img/xbox-xbox-microsoft-game-smiley-emoticon-000636-large.gif" /><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">3rd Doctor: </span><span style="color: black;">"I'm sorry Mrs. Grace, I will have to go in with a camera and remove it. I can not seem to find the strings."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Me:</span><span style="color: black;"> "WTF! Fine!"</span><br />
<br />
<img src="http://images.zaazu.com/img/girl04-sulk-sad-unhappy-smiley-emoticon-000474-large.gif" /><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">3rd Doctor: </span><span style="color: black;">"After all of this do you still want me to put the other one in?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Me: </span><span style="color: black;">"SHIT YEAH! 5 years without a period. You have no idea."</span><br />
<br />
<br />
I have had more things stuck in me than a prostitute on Valentine's Day. I have come to a conclusion though and think that this would look good on a t-shirt or billboard:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><u><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: magenta;">THE GYNO:</span></span></u></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div align="center"><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Nobody squeezes harder </span></div><div align="center"><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">or reaches deeper.</span></div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-84010776925394073142010-09-08T10:46:00.001-04:002010-09-22T10:16:30.528-04:00I'M BACK AND I'M STILL FAT!!!!!!!I know I skipped out on all of you and I am so sorry. I would like to say that my life has been awesomely busy that I just haven't had time for blogging, but I think we all know that would be big fat lie (no pun intended). I have missed you all in my attempt to jump back into Corporate America. Long story short ---- it chewed me up and spit me out. I forgot how political everything is. As my daddy always use to say, "It's not who you know, but who you blow." Needless to say my husband wouldn't let me share my awesome talents, so I am jobless yet again :o( I am sitting her wondering what stay ay home moms do? I am so not a house cleaner...WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I don't really know, but I guess I'll have to figure it out. I am looking forward to chatting will all of you....I've so missed my blogger friends.Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-33897349453375524692009-11-17T07:25:00.003-05:002009-11-17T07:30:54.778-05:00WHATEVER!!!!!Conversation with my 5 year old:<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">5 Year Old: Momma, Will you watch a movie with me? [blink blink]</span><br />
<br />
<div align="right"><span style="color: purple;">Me: Of course I will baby. What would you like to watch?</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: red;">5 Year Old: Curious George</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: purple;">Me: Okay Pumpkin. Do you want to lay here with Momma and cuddle?</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: red;">5 Year Old: Ummmm.....NO.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: purple;">Me: You don't wanna lay here with me? [blink blink]</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: red;">5 Year Old: Nnnno</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: purple;">Me: Oh. Okay [sniff]</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #38761d;">Apparently batting your eyes does not work the other way around.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: blue;">______________________________________________</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: black;">Conversation with my 12 year old:</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #b45f06;">11 Year Old: Mom I have to write an essay.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Oh yeah. What about?</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #b45f06;">11 Year Old: I have to write about someone who has influenced me.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Oh Really? [ears perk]</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #b45f06;">11 Year Old: What does that really mean?</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Well, Who has taught you right from wrong? Who has taught you to do the right thing? [smile]</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #b45f06;">11 Year Old: Oh, Okay. That's easy.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: black;">Time passes</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #b45f06;">11 Year Old: Mom would you read this.</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><span style="color: #351c75;">Me: Of course [sit up straight]</span><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #38761d;">I got all excited getting ready to read how wonderful I am and much I have influenced my beautiful boy. It went something like this:</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #38761d;">Many people have influenced me in my life. One person has influenced me a lot. They have taught me right from wrong. They taught me to be a good person and a good friend to people. They taught me to love my family. They taught me how to make good decisions and work hard. My dad has influenced me the most in my life. </span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #351c75;">STOP! What? [choke] Who? Huh? ...DAD?</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #351c75;">What the HELL?</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #351c75;">[Okay you are a grown up...just keep reading and breathing.]</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #351c75;">I finished the essay and told my wonderful son how wonderful his essay was. </span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: blue;">______________________________________________</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: black;">When the hell did this happen? </span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">Why the hell did this happen? <br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did my boys stop thinking I was perfect? <br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did my little 5 year old stop needing to cuddle with me during a movie?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did my 11 year old switch sides? I mean..ehum...<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did my 11 year old stop thinking that I was the most awesome person in the world?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">More importantly...<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did my 11 year old start thinking his father was the most awesome person in the world?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHEN did this happen? <br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHY didn't anyone tell me?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: black;">WHAT am I going to do about it?</span><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHO does he think he is?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHERE should I hide the body? [just kidding]<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">HOW am I going to change this?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">HOW could I let this happen?<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">Something must be done. Something HAS to be done. But WHAT?<br />
</div><div align="left">Well...<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">I could keep it a little colder in the house so the 5 year old will want to cuddle for warmth. Then...<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">I could tell my 11 year old that his father is really one of the bad guys from Transformers.<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">WHAT? Oh your right, he probably won't believe that.<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">I will tell him his father is mean to babies and old people. (No one likes people like that)<br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">I can not believe how painful this is. Seriously, when did my boys stop needing me? Everybody told me, "Be happy you have boys. Boys are soooo much easier." WHATEVER! All boys do is break your heart! This is exactly why women are always in love with men that do not want them. As mothers, we are forced to love our boys unconditionally, even when they think they no longer need us. They can break our hearts, make us cry, and forget we exist...we still love them. <br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">Sometimes I wished we were animals that ate our young...they seem to have it together. <br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div><div align="right"><br />
</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-39996996726936985342009-11-04T07:52:00.001-05:002009-11-04T07:54:35.607-05:00I Feel Better!Dear EX Friend,<br />
<br />
First of all we have only been friends for like ten minutes you creepy bitch. You should really come with a warning label. It is not cool for someone your age to be so clingy. Go home and fuck your husband HARD! You obviously did not get enough attention when you were a kid...that's why crack addicts should NOT have children. It is NOT cool to call me every ten minutes to see what I am doing. Who the fuck gave you my number anyways? OMG if you say one more thing about your "holier than thou" husband I will slit your wrists...not mine, because I like me too much. He use to be the biggest drug dealer this town has ever seen and you were his crack whore so explain to me again why you two are better than everyone else? Oh that's right you were saved and the rest of us are all going to HELL! Well guess what? As long as you are not there, It'll be heaven to me. You are a fucking FREAK! You wonder why you have no friends and people scatter when they see you coming....hmmm let me guess. Is it because you talk about yourself non-stop? Is it because you are a hypocrit? Is it because you suck the life out of everyone you come within a five mile radius of? Oh No, I got it...Maybe it's because you stab people in the back and then try to be their friends? No that's not it. You stand there all high and mighty sucking on your cigarette like your giving a blow job. Who fucking taught you to smoke anyway? You are suppose to inhale. BTW. You look fucking stupid! Maybe instead of praying for me you should be praying for a fucking brain. Oh, I sound ignorant when I say the "f" word? Well FUCK YOU!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SvF5gOJ2h6I/AAAAAAAAARg/ScbEnqDmZlo/s1600-h/signature.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SvF5gOJ2h6I/AAAAAAAAARg/ScbEnqDmZlo/s320/signature.png" vr="true" /></a><br />
</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-90226528683511482002009-10-26T08:29:00.000-04:002009-10-26T08:29:56.631-04:00I'm Constipated!<span style="color: #783f04;">Well actually, that's not true. I really have a case of the hershey squirts right now. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #990000;">A-N-Y-W-A-Y!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #bf9000;">This past week has been filled with uttered mispoken words, compliments of my 5 year old. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">On our way to his football game last weekend:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Are you ready for the game? </span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: [crickets]</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Well are you ready? Are you going to hit hard?</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: [blank stare]</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Okay...he's off in Na Na Land.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Mom, I'm constipated!</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: HUH? Constipated! [giggle]</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Mom! I can't think.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Oh you mean concentrating?</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s1600-h/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s400/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: purple;">Taking notes Tuesday night for an online class:</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Mom I can write.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: [ignoring]</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Mom I know what those letters are.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: [ignoring]</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: (pointing) That word is the, that word is can...</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: [eye roll] Yes honey, I know you know those words.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Mom can I write that for you?</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: No honey, you can't.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: I can write, mom.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: I know you can honey, but you have to write sentences.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: I know how to do that. I know a period, exclamation point, question mark, quotation marks, and </span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Q-U-O-M-A-S.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7;">Me: [giggle] Well that settles it then.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span style="color: #3d85c6;"></span><div align="center" class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"> <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s1600-h/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s320/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #e69138;">Watching wrestling Thursday night...(don't judge me)</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">My son does this thing when he gets excited. (NO not that! Get your minds out of the gutter...he's only 5)</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">He clasps his hands together and tightens up all his muscles. Like he is so happy that he's afraid to let it all out. Well he did this Thursday night, so...</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Why do you do that?</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Because I'm allergic.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Allergic?</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: Yeah</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: [giggle] Oh...okay.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><span style="color: #b45f06;"></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s1600-h/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s320/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #38761d;">My oldest son loves Ramen noodles. So Saturday after he ate the noodles, he gave the cat his "noodle juice" as he calls it. (Yes I know...I laughed too) </span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Don't give the cat your noodle juice. It'll make him sick.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Oldest Son: No it won't mom</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Youngest Son: You gave the cat your noodle juice? You are a serial killer.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Oldest Son: Huh?</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Huh?</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Youngest Son: I want some Rabbit noodles too!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: ummm...Okay.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s1600-h/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SuWOR17muxI/AAAAAAAAARY/wIH7RPlKO5s/s320/fall-leaf-border-hth.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #660000;">My youngest son likes to go to the bathroom with the door open. Last night he was in the bathroom and my husband was making dinner.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Hon, whatcha making?</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Son: I'm making a turd mom.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">Me: Sounds Good!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7f6000;">This is what my everyday life is like. My 5 year old cracks me up, without even knowing it. </span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7f6000;">WELCOME TO MY WORLD! </span><br />
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</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-62622489536522583392009-10-21T06:35:00.000-04:002009-10-21T06:35:13.901-04:00Happy Anniversary<span style="color: #741b47;">Nine years ago today at this very moment I was standing in my kitchen in my cute bra and matching lace panties making coffee. I was looking hot! This would have been a real zen moment had the the freaky stalker guy not stopped his car in front of the bay window and stared at me. It didn't matter to me though, I was blissfully happy as I raised my right hand, smiled, and waved. Nothing could bring me down, not today, because today I became a Mrs. Somebody. I finally did it, I trapped him. He'll never get rid of me now :0}</span> <span style="color: #741b47;">Poor bastard didn't know that he was signing up for an eternity of mind altering, hot, steamy sex. Oh wait, maybe he did know. So my boo came home from work in the middle of the night all ready for one of those mind altering moments ready to go...if you get my drift. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">Me? sniff, cough, cough, ohhhhhh...not feeling so good. Oh yeah...the eldest came home last Friday with it and the youngest has had it for the past two days, so of course I am obligated to get it too. I'm so frickin' pissed!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">But you know me, being the addict that I am...a cold never stopped anybody from gettin' their fix.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47;">HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BOO!</span><br />
</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-11683712172890783832009-10-14T23:24:00.001-04:002009-10-14T23:30:30.928-04:00I Do Declare!<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">My Very First Award! [blush...giggle]</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/StZ31SPHzqI/AAAAAAAAARQ/n3KUoVg3sAc/s1600-h/AWARD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/StZ31SPHzqI/AAAAAAAAARQ/n3KUoVg3sAc/s320/AWARD.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">I got this from a fabulous lady over at </span><a href="http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com/journal/2009/10/13/10-things.html?lastPage=true&postSubmitted=true"><span style="font-size: large;">Raised Queer</span></a><span style="font-size: large;"> you simply must </span><span style="font-size: large;">go over and check her out</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="color: #cc0000;">RIGHT NOW</span>.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Do not wait any longer...you are waisting valuable laughter.<br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Here's the dealeo on what to do if you find yourself the recipient of this award:<br />
</div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. You must brag about the award.<br />
<br />
2. You must include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.<br />
<br />
3. You must choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design <br />
<br />
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.<br />
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5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.<br />
<br />
........then pass it on with the instructions!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">Okay Got It? Good</span><br />
</div><br />
<br />
<br />
Okay onto what you nosy people really wanna know....hmmm.....let's see, what do you really wanna know? Besides everything? <span style="color: magenta;">[smirk]</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #bf9000;">1. I sleep in the fetal position. Hey don't laugh...it makes me feel safe.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">2. Sometimes...I make my kids sing everything they say...I do it too...it's fun.</span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #e69138;">3. I love to sleep buck naked with my husbands penis in between my butt cheeks...Have you ever tried it? Well lay off then. It feels good! (TMI? mmm....maybe, but it is something you didn't know).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">4. I still have my first teddy bear...and yes when I feel bad I still sleep with him. He likes it! LOL</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;">5. I am secretly (well I guess not anymore) in love with Dr. Phil. I know, I know, right...I can't explain it either. There is just something about that man.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #6aa84f;">6. I have written two awesome children's books. They are awesome too...not just because I wrote them, but because, well...I wrote them. I just need a publisher.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: magenta;">7. I think Angelina Jolie is the hottest chick in the world and I would definately leave</span><span style="color: magenta;"> my husband for her. (No I am not gay, but for her I would be).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #76a5af;">8. I love taking one of those big dill pickles and dipping it in peanut butter. (even when I'm not pregnant and no I'm not pregnant)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">9. I am terrified of mice no matter what size they are, that is why I have 8 cats. Yes terrified, I mean dead or alive I will be on the kitchen table or the highest point in the house until it is gone. Okay ... whatever, it's okay...you go head and laugh. I know you are afraid of something too so :P ( that is me sticking my tongue out at you, yes you, so there)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">10. I have a Mr. Peanut tattoo on my right ankle. Why you ask? Well that's a story for another day.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">11. I like butt sex...OOOOOOHHHHH YEAH BABY! There I said it! I don't care. Don't you judge me. You don't know...you just don't know...it's...mmmm....yeah.</span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;">Oh I guess I gave you eleven secrets huh? OOOPS. Sorry about that. Just forget the last one then. Okay so now I have to pick seven of my wonderful bloggerittas to bestow this wonderful award on. This is not going to be easy. I would give it to <a href="http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com/journal/2009/10/13/10-things.html?lastPage=true&postSubmitted=true">Raised Queer</a>, but she gave it to me, so go see her.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;">1. <a href="http://badmommymoments.wordpress.com/">Bad Mommy Moments</a></span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">She is so damn funny retelling crazy stories about her and her kids. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">2.</span> <a href="http://www.bernthis.com/">Bern This</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Hilarious blog about life.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">3. <a href="http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/">Wonderful World of Weiners</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Go check out her weiners. They are long, hairy, and adorable.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">4. <a href="http://thebloggess.com/">The Bloggess</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Who doesn't love her? She is hilarious.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">5. <a href="http://www.stillfiguringitallout.blogspot.com/">Live For Today</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Amazingly Amusing and just plain nice.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">6. <a href="http://www.manicmommy.blogspot.com/">Manic Mommy</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Inspiration to us all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">7. <a href="http://hookedonquack.blogspot.com/">Hooked On Quack</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Dry Humor...LOVE IT!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">8. <a href="http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com/">Mental Poo</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Get ready to piss yourself...seriously.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">9. <a href="http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/">Mommy Wants Vodka</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Tears of Laughter</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">10. <a href="http://www.shortpumppreppy.com/">Short Pump Preppy</a></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Love her. She has lots of great stuff on her site and she is lots of fun.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Okay so Beat It! Go check out all these awesome blogs I just told you about. Don't be telling everyone my secrets either.</span>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-31179462238857689632009-10-12T18:46:00.002-04:002009-10-12T18:53:54.948-04:00Oz Yourself<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">This is hilarious. I have always loved Wizard of Oz and now I can be in it!</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Get ready to piss yourself!</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><script src="http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/4ab2ed9c9fa14490/4ad3b1e0dc77d05f/4ab2ed9c9fa14490/90bc4864/widget.js" type="text/javascript">
</script>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-86267216304631045292009-10-06T07:59:00.000-04:002009-10-06T07:59:24.372-04:00Plus Size Halloween Costumes<span style="color: #b45f06;">With Halloween only a few weeks away I thought I would take a look at what was out there for us thick ladies. Some of the things I found were a lot of fun and some of them, well...you will see.</span> <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Warning: The following contents should not be viewed by anyone that may have a weak heart, psychological problems, or prone to night terrors. </span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e69138;">I love this one. What woman doesn't want to be Queen?</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjgDybYUI/AAAAAAAAAPo/6fWaeDK5TGc/s1600-h/queen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjgDybYUI/AAAAAAAAAPo/6fWaeDK5TGc/s320/queen.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">Queen of Hearts</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: orange;">How innocent. I thought my husband could be the Big Bad Wolf so then he could try to eat me :)</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjoaNNMnI/AAAAAAAAAPw/4yeLXu8hUTI/s1600-h/riding+hood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjoaNNMnI/AAAAAAAAAPw/4yeLXu8hUTI/s320/riding+hood.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">Little Red Riding Hood</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">There is something about a chick in uniform! This is HOT!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/Sssn9N-tM0I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/E0rBO_xAiQA/s1600-h/police.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/Sssn9N-tM0I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/E0rBO_xAiQA/s320/police.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">Police Officer<br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e69138;">Handcuffs</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e69138;">OR</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e69138;">Let Me Take Your Temperature?</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/Sssn3zLUVyI/AAAAAAAAAQw/GSrGNcBvRyQ/s1600-h/nurse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/Sssn3zLUVyI/AAAAAAAAAQw/GSrGNcBvRyQ/s320/nurse.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;">Nurse</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Go Green!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsspCVlP3GI/AAAAAAAAARA/omjt-hSxdlk/s1600-h/forest+nymph.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsspCVlP3GI/AAAAAAAAARA/omjt-hSxdlk/s320/forest+nymph.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Forest Nympho ...um I mean Nymph</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">Plus Size?</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">She doesn't look Plus Size to me.</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjzBUZ3DI/AAAAAAAAAQA/QsOdlS4dnnA/s1600-h/firewoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssjzBUZ3DI/AAAAAAAAAQA/QsOdlS4dnnA/s320/firewoman.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">Fire Fighter</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">For me and the Mr.</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsskOCymGyI/AAAAAAAAAQo/XL9KRcXbSek/s1600-h/plugin+outlet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsskOCymGyI/AAAAAAAAAQo/XL9KRcXbSek/s320/plugin+outlet.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #7f6000;">Outlet and Plug</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">For just the Mr ;0)</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssvhK_AALI/AAAAAAAAARI/HJO3ZSq7das/s1600-h/net.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SssvhK_AALI/AAAAAAAAARI/HJO3ZSq7das/s320/net.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #783f04;">Sexy Pin Up Girl</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">I'm thinking it wouldn't be too cool to wear this in public...</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">There are some things that Fat Chicks just shouldn't do.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">These are my random finds for Halloween Costumes. Love 'em or hate 'em they do make 'em. </span><br />
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</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-33386032816999290562009-09-30T23:45:00.001-04:002009-09-30T23:47:26.101-04:00Kitty Wigs!<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">I know you are probably thinking the same thing that I did when I first heard the term...Kitty Wigs.</span><br />
</div><span style="color: #b45f06;">Some crazy old lady is sitting at home and dressing her cat up like an antique porcelain doll, until the cat runs like hell and jumps in front of the first passing car.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQRivAOhtI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/EegJyJT4sig/s1600-h/kitty-wigs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQRivAOhtI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/EegJyJT4sig/s320/kitty-wigs.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;">I have to admit though that I am kind of digging the blue one. </span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;">I guess it makes the kitties feel special :)</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04; font-size: large;"> The Cat Walk?</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">I"m too sexy for my wig, too sexy for my wig</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">I wanna do a little jig.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">I'm a model you know what I mean and </span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">I shake my little tush on the cat walk.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">On the Cat Walk Yeah!</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Okay so that was fun, A-N-Y-W-A-Y</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #6aa84f;">while perusing this idea I found </span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-size: large;">Doggy Wigs </span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Oh Yeah!</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Check it Out!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQVe6mWGgI/AAAAAAAAAPY/9jHzhb0iTlk/s1600-h/dog-wig-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQVe6mWGgI/AAAAAAAAAPY/9jHzhb0iTlk/s320/dog-wig-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #990000;">This wig would look totally fab on my buddy Scorpion!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #990000;">He thinks the bitches dig him now, wait til he throws one of these babies on.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #990000;"></span><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQlbi5yXdI/AAAAAAAAAPg/EVsvw6vg9BA/s1600-h/wig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsQlbi5yXdI/AAAAAAAAAPg/EVsvw6vg9BA/s320/wig.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #45818e;">He won't be able to fight them off !</span><br />
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</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-29751966529464317242009-09-28T10:06:00.002-04:002009-09-29T08:08:52.138-04:00My Hero!<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I have chosen Crystal Renn as my new hero!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsH4lxtyfwI/AAAAAAAAAPI/hJ9ZgMWaU-U/s1600-h/5413431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SsH4lxtyfwI/AAAAAAAAAPI/hJ9ZgMWaU-U/s320/5413431.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75;">She's HOT, SEXY, and Best Of ALL</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75;">PLUS-SIZE!</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75;">She is a model that fought against the stereotypes of rail thin models. </span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75;">Read the full story here <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/27/fashion-health-and-wellbeing">http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/27/fashion-health-and-wellbeing</a></span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #351c75;">I'm definately getting her book!</span><br />
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</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2853782941516012639.post-1907526408636481662009-09-25T07:24:00.000-04:002009-09-25T07:24:35.319-04:00Cankles?<span style="color: purple;">Okay, I may be fat, but thank the good lord above that I do not have cankles.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SrygMm3Ca9I/AAAAAAAAAOw/IdUI0uZRb9g/s1600-h/CANKLES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SrygMm3Ca9I/AAAAAAAAAOw/IdUI0uZRb9g/s400/CANKLES.jpg" /></a><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="color: magenta;">"Cankles" by definition is a combination of the words "calf" and "ankles." If you can't tell where your calf stops and your ankle starts, you may have cankles.</span> </span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">If you are one of the elite that have been plagued with cankles, then I am truly sorry. You were probably an evil person in your past life. Live better this time around and maybe next time you'll get lucky ;0)</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">There is still hope, there are a few things that you can do to rid your life of cankles:</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">1. Cut your feet off</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">2. Get a pet elephant - they have them too and you will good standing next to them (in most cases)</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">3. Wrap them in gauze and tell everyone you were in a freak accident</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">4. Wear spandex -- then everyone will be staring at you, but not because of your cankles</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">5. Get tattoos on them --everything looks better painted</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">6. Wear boots --even to the beach</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">7. Bring slouch socks back in style</span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">8. Tell everyone that it's an allergic reaction </span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">9. Walk on your hands </span><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">10. Buy anklets (well necklaces) --then when people stare you can ask them if they like your ummm...anklet.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">See, so don't get all depressed about it. There are lots of things you can do. I guess there are worse things in life...you could have a goiter.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SryoL5ZZoRI/AAAAAAAAAO4/tLrEel8MNL4/s1600-h/1goiter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" iq="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_e_vNPxrHYIw/SryoL5ZZoRI/AAAAAAAAAO4/tLrEel8MNL4/s320/1goiter3.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>Grace Matthewshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02189678749888718344noreply@blogger.com5