I'm Fat! So What? Like Me Anyway ;o)

I Miss My Old Self!!!

2010-12-03T00:30:00.002-05:00

My hysterical 6 year old sat on the couch with a serious, sad face and said,

Son: "Mommy, I miss my old self."

It was all I could do not to laugh...this was a serious moment after all.

Me: "Well, which old self is that?" (after all he is only 6 years old)

Son: "The self that I was back when I was 5."

Me: "Well, Honey that was a long time ago and people change. Why do you feel that way?"

Son: "I was a better kid then."

Me: "I think you are pretty great right now."

Son: "Yeah I am, but I was better then."

Me: "Oh, I love you bean." (Yeah I call him bean, not really sure why).

This got me to thinking. You know this is a serious thought for such a little man to have. Between my laughter, I actually, kind of, felt sorry for him. I often feel like I miss my old self. Back when I was 5, well maybe not that young, but before I lost my virginity...he was a real asshole. Gosh, the things I could change, but then I started thinking about that movie Click and got scared. I might have actually ended up successful had I done things differently and then I couldn't enjoy my trailer park life now. That would be tragic! Okay my life isn't that bad...but I do wonder sometimes.

I'm not good at ANYTHING!

2010-11-04T12:04:00.000-04:00

Well I am good at something, but that's not the point of this post. SITS is giving away a camera so you know I am all up in that. They want me to share something that I have created for Halloween. Well I can't really share a baked good, since the last time I cooked, I burnt fish sticks. (No they were not home made...they were frozen) Yeah okay...you can stop laughing now. So I guess that leaves crafts...mmmm...well, I don't own a sewing machine for a reason. I would probably sew my boob to something. I did sew a stuffed animal by hand once, but that was a rabbit that couldn't keep it's legs closed ;)
Okay so are you ready for what I came up with? Are you sure? You ARE ready? Okay well here it goes...this is brilliant, so feel free to steal the idea. (God knows I did). Okay, well....her it is:

Do you know what it is? Here is a hint: You can eat it.

Wow! I can't believe you guessed it so fast. You are right...
It's a Lollipop Ghost. Pretty crafty huh? I know, I know...it's hard being me.

Halloween Long Ago!

2010-11-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

With the ending of another Halloween, trick or treating, craziness I long for the Halloweens of long ago. That and I want to win a camera from SITS who just happens to offer the best blogging tips ever, by the way Tiffany is Pretty (you'll have to go to their site to understand my randomness).

              It's a cold rainy night, but I can feel the excitement rise up in my back. I love going Trick or Treating, I just wished everybody could see my Strawberry Shortcake costume that my mom made for me. It's awesome, but I have to wear this winter jacket or I'll freeze. I guess I'll just have to open it every time I get to the door. They just have to see it.
              My aunt pulls up in her van and my sister, mother, and I all hop in. This is going to be awesome...I can't believe how much candy I am going to get. My aunt slowly drives house to house as we hop out and run to the door, "Trick or Treat." Wow! A snickers bar...I love them, they are so nummy. "I really like going to this house." This goes on for a couple hours with us jumping out and back in with our new candy treasures. Then mom asks us the question we have been waiting for, "Do you want to stop at grandma's?"
"Well YES mom! She's gives us the best, most tastiest, popcorn balls ever!." You see she makes hers with molasses, not carmel. They are my favorite. We pull up out front of grandma's house and we don't even wait for the van to come to a complete stop before we whip open the door and run to grandma. She picks on us, "Well who do we have here? Do I know you? Well of course I do. I didn't recognize you in your costumes. Come in so i can get you a special treat." I love the way grandma's house smells. It always smells like she is baking, whether she is or not. Her popcorn balls are the only thing we are allowed to eat before we go home so daddy can "check" our candy. She gives us one to eat right away and one for the road. "I love you grandma."
            It's time to head back home with a pumpkin so full that we had to empty it into a paper bag half way through the night. My dad is waiting for us so he can do the most important thing before we eat any candy. He needs to check it to make sure it's safe. I love my daddy, he always takes the "unsafe" candy and eats it so that we can't get sick :)

I love Halloween.

Meet Mr. Awesome!

2010-11-04T09:45:00.004-04:00

I know you must be dieing to meet the man behind the mystery, the one who makes us all laugh until we have "happy tears", the one that drives me crazy! So here he is....

Don't let his cuteness fool you. There is a mastermind behind that little face.

I think you can see why I laugh at him so much when he says the craziest things :)

I DID IT!!!!! I Really Did It!

2010-10-29T00:50:00.000-04:00

I started another website. Don't get your panties in a bunch I am still keeping this one, because let's face it...I need a place where I can swear, rant, rave, and embarrass my children. Plus I like all my blogger friends that I have found through this blog. If you like me when I am this bad then you'll love me on my other site. I just started it so don't get all judgemental when you check it out. It's a work in progress and I still have some content to add. Oh you want to know what kind of site it is, well it's the best kind...a giveaway site. Why? Because as hard as it is for you all to believe I am quite opinionated...yeah I know it's a shock, but we'll get through it together. I like giving people reviews on products and just about anything else. I pretty much have an opinion about everything. So go check it out and love me more...

Step Dad?

2010-10-25T13:28:00.000-04:00

My six year old son is a laugh a minute. I have no idea where he gets his ideas from or his vocabulary. This is a conversation we had this past week.

Son: "Mom, I want Coach Jason to be my step dad."

Me: (Look at my husband and snicker) "Well okay...Do you know what would have to happen in order for that to happen?"

Son: Looks at me like he's ready to drop a turd.

Me: "I would have to divorce daddy and marry Coach Jason."

Son: "Okay"

Me: (roll eyes and laugh, drop subject)

Next Day,

Son: "Mom I really want Coach Jason to be my step dad."

Me: "Sweetheart, that means Riley ( Coach Jason's son who just happens to be in the same class) would be your brother."

Son: "SWEET! Would Spencer still be my brother?"

Me: "Yes, Spencer will always be your brother."

Son: "That means (BIG SMILE) my last name would be Dunlap."

Me: "Well what would Riley's mom and daddy do? They would be all alone and lonely."

Son: "They could marry each other."

Me: "Well, I'm glad we got that settled."

We DON"T Do Cards

2010-10-21T08:56:00.001-04:00

                     Ten years and two weeks ago today we buried my best friend. I can't believe it has been that long. WOW! I still miss you daddy like it was yesterday. (yes I call him daddy and I am a grown woman...F@#* you for judging me.) There are so many things I would love to share with you. I love you.

                     Ten years ago today I married my new best friend. Yes your math is right. I got married two weeks after my father died. My dad always knew what was best for me and he made me promise the wedding would still happen. I can still hear my mother saying, "You promised your father." I didn't know at the time that my husband would turn into my best friend. I didn't think I needed one, because I always had my daddy. Well here I sit ten years later thankful that he came in to my life when he did.

                      If you know my husband(which you don't) you would know that he is not good at expressing feelings and he is never mushy. I can never remember him giving me a card for any occasion. He has always said that they are too expensive and he doesn't want to waste the money on them when he can put the money towards a gift. I have always been okay with that and after about five years I stopped buying cards too. (okay so maybe it took me awhile to adjust)As you all know we are poor right now due to me being out of work. Can you imagine my surprise when I sent to the bathroom at 4 a.m. this morning and there sat a rose bush and.... you guessed it! A card. You say, "So f#@$*&^ what?" and I say, "Go to hell." But we don't do cards! Let me tell you something, this was the sweetest gesture he could have made. The card was not real mushy, but it made the statement that he has such a hard time expressing himself. He told me he ADORED me. That's right, read em' and weep. Are you jealous? You should be. So many men love their wives, but how many ADORE them. Oh yes, I'm lucky. I know what you are thinking...How can anyone adore you? Well let me just say that I am adorable (oops I just made a funny) Yes not so little me is actually on the receiving end of adoration. Can life get any better than this? (well yes if I was working, but let's not ruin the moment).

I Love You Baby!!!!

Follow Me Tuesday

2010-10-19T08:39:00.000-04:00

Grammy

2010-10-14T13:36:00.000-04:00

So my mother, sister, and brother came for a visit. That was uneventful and fun, no one got hurt :)

My youngest son loves to play games so he talked them into playing Buzz Mega Quiz:

This game Rocks! Especially if you want to show your kids that you ARE smarter than them.

My mother, two sons, and sister (who is not too smart) all decided to play. My mother of course knew most of the answers, but is not quick enough so she was struggling a bit until this question came up:

The award given to a musical artist for selling a lot of records.

Then it gave them four choices to pick from and my mother is the ONLY one that got it right!

GRAMMY

My youngest son looked at her and said:

"Well of course you got it right, because you ARE a Grammy!"

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2010-10-10T23:52:00.001-04:00

Well thank you to a few of my awesome blogger friends for such great advice. Jannie Funster over at http://www.janniefunster.com/ and Michelle over at http://grownupgirlie.blogspot.com/ gave me a few websites that I could check out and Queenie Jeannie http://happy-jeannie.blogspot.com/ suggested I start an Etsy shop which I just might do if I can figure out how to make anything. If any of you have any other ideas that would be awesome. Prostitution is not an option...I already thought about that.

My next thought is: Should I start a separate blog that has more of a focus? What are some good blog topics? Should I get rid of this blog? I could keep both or just turn this blog into something besides my rantings about my pathetic life. What do you all think? (WOW! I almost sounded southern there for a minute)

The shower smiles in a politician.

2010-10-08T20:07:00.000-04:00

Don't ask...I'll explain later.

$$$ Money $$$

2010-10-06T22:58:00.000-04:00

As most of you know I lost my job earlier this year. This leaves me homebound and hating life. I AM NOT A HOUSEWIFE!!!! I am currently looking for a job, but the job market isn't all rainbows and sunshine right now.I started this blog out of boredom and for the fun of it. I really enjoy doing it, but I need to figure out how to turn some of this fun into income. So I need your help. I need to find a way to make some money working from home. What I need from you is your ideas. Now I want some legitimate ideas, not those get rich quick scams. I do not mind working at something if it is worth it and going to be profitable. My main goal is to be able to make $1000 a month, so I can at least pay the mortgage on our house. So any of you awesomely talented people out there that can throw me an idea or two would be greatly appreciated.

Love to Hate

2010-09-29T06:48:00.005-04:00

I would hate you IF I didn't love you so much.

WHY do you always drink out of the milk jug and then leave it somewhere for me to find?

WHY do you always throw my pillow on the floor and never pick it back up?

WHY do you take your nasty smelly socks off and leave them in a ball?

WHY do you trim your nose hairs and leave them in the bathroom sink?

WHY do you refuse to order your own fries and then eat mine?

WHY do you always want sex when I don't?

WHY do you refuse to do what I ask until I turn into Super Bitch?

WHY do you look at me like I don't have the right to be Super Bitch?

WHY do you act like YOUR birthday is the most important day of the year?

WHY do you take my car and leave the gas tank on empty?

WOW there are so many whys I could go all day, but I think this last one sums it up...

WHY do you have to be such a

fucktard?

I never understood the saying, "There is fine line between love and hate." I think I have a pretty good handle on it now though. I would really frickin' hate you IF I didn't love you sooooo much!

THE GYNO!!!!!!!

2010-09-22T10:14:00.004-04:00

I have three letters for you: I U D. Let me tell you a little story about my crazy life. About 5 years ago after I had my youngest son the doctor told me "Mrs. Grace, NO MORE BABIES!" and I said "WHATEVER!" (I may have slightly been in denial) I decided to let the doctor talk me into getting an IUD. After all, it was safer than the pill and as soon as she said, "NO PERIOD" I said, "SIGN ME UP!" I would like to say that is the end of my happy little story, but NO that would not be my life. it is now time to have this little sucker removed and "HELL YEAH, I want another one put in." No period for 5 years has been heaven. So here is my journey:




Visit 1:
1st Doctor: "Mrs. Grace. I can not seem to find the strings. I am going to have to send you to another doctor that is more equipped to get it out."

Me: "MMMM.......Okay."



Visit 2:
2nd Doctor: "Oh I am sorry Mrs. Grace. I thought someone told you that we have to order the replacement IUD first. Since you are here though let me see if you I can find it...hmmmm I can not seem to see the strings. Let's get an ultrasound and make sure it's still in place. (3 hours and 20 ultrasound pictures later) Yep it's still there."

By the way they did an internal ultrasound --- it looks like a giant dildo with a condom on it.

Me: "I didn't get this many pictures when I had my boys." After I got home I told the husband, "Well Honey, You are gonna be a dad! (showed him the pictures) Let's call him Mr. T."



Visit 3:

3rd Doctor: "Well Mrs. Grace, I do not normally take an IUD out and put another one in on the same visit, because insurance does not cover it. I see that you have been here a few times though."

Me: "REALLY, Well no one told me that. That really sucks."

3rd Doctor: "Let me just check and see if I can find it. I'll try to remove it today and then you can come back and have another one put in." (After 3 great attempts) "I just can't get a hold of it and I do not want to put you through anymore pain. I will have you come back and we will try on the ultrasound so I can see what I am doing."

Me: "Wonderful! I can't wait!"

Visit 4:

3rd Doctor: "Okay so I am going to go in while you are on the ultrasound and hopefully we can get a hold of it and pull it out. You have been through so much that I will go ahead and put the other one in during this visit."

Me: "Gee Thanks! Are you good at video games? If you are good at video games then you should be able to get this."



3rd Doctor: "I'm sorry Mrs. Grace, I will have to go in with a camera and remove it. I can not seem to find the strings."

Me: "WTF! Fine!"



3rd Doctor: "After all of this do you still want me to put the other one in?"

Me: "SHIT YEAH! 5 years without a period. You have no idea."

I have had more things stuck in me than a prostitute on Valentine's Day. I have come to a conclusion though and think that this would look good on a t-shirt or billboard:

THE GYNO:

Nobody squeezes harder

or reaches deeper.

I'M BACK AND I'M STILL FAT!!!!!!!

2010-09-08T10:46:00.001-04:00

I know I skipped out on all of you and I am so sorry. I would like to say that my life has been awesomely busy that I just haven't had time for blogging, but I think we all know that would be big fat lie (no pun intended). I have missed you all in my attempt to jump back into Corporate America. Long story short ---- it chewed me up and spit me out. I forgot how political everything is. As my daddy always use to say, "It's not who you know, but who you blow." Needless to say my husband wouldn't let me share my awesome talents, so I am jobless yet again :o( I am sitting her wondering what stay ay home moms do? I am so not a house cleaner...WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I don't really know, but I guess I'll have to figure it out. I am looking forward to chatting will all of you....I've so missed my blogger friends.

WHATEVER!!!!!

2009-11-17T07:25:00.003-05:00

Conversation with my 5 year old:

5 Year Old: Momma, Will you watch a movie with me? [blink blink]

Me: Of course I will baby. What would you like to watch?

5 Year Old: Curious George

Me: Okay Pumpkin. Do you want to lay here with Momma and cuddle?

5 Year Old: Ummmm.....NO.

Me: You don't wanna lay here with me? [blink blink]

5 Year Old: Nnnno

Me: Oh. Okay [sniff]

Apparently batting your eyes does not work the other way around.

______________________________________________

Conversation with my 12 year old:

11 Year Old: Mom I have to write an essay.

Me: Oh yeah. What about?

11 Year Old: I have to write about someone who has influenced me.

Me: Oh Really? [ears perk]

11 Year Old: What does that really mean?

Me: Well, Who has taught you right from wrong? Who has taught you to do the right thing? [smile]

11 Year Old: Oh, Okay. That's easy.

Time passes

11 Year Old: Mom would you read this.

Me: Of course [sit up straight]

I got all excited getting ready to read how wonderful I am and much I have influenced my beautiful boy. It went something like this:

Many people have influenced me in my life. One person has influenced me a lot. They have taught me right from wrong. They taught me to be a good person and a good friend to people. They taught me to love my family. They taught me how to make good decisions and work hard. My dad has influenced me the most in my life.

STOP! What? [choke] Who? Huh? ...DAD?

What the HELL?

[Okay you are a grown up...just keep reading and breathing.]

I finished the essay and told my wonderful son how wonderful his essay was.

______________________________________________

When the hell did this happen?

Why the hell did this happen?

WHEN did my boys stop thinking I was perfect?

WHEN did my little 5 year old stop needing to cuddle with me during a movie?

WHEN did my 11 year old switch sides? I mean..ehum...

WHEN did my 11 year old stop thinking that I was the most awesome person in the world?

More importantly...

WHEN did my 11 year old start thinking his father was the most awesome person in the world?

WHEN did this happen?

WHY didn't anyone tell me?

WHAT am I going to do about it?

WHO does he think he is?

WHERE should I hide the body? [just kidding]

HOW am I going to change this?

HOW could I let this happen?

Something must be done. Something HAS to be done. But WHAT?

Well...

I could keep it a little colder in the house so the 5 year old will want to cuddle for warmth. Then...

I could tell my 11 year old that his father is really one of the bad guys from Transformers.

WHAT? Oh your right, he probably won't believe that.

I will tell him his father is mean to babies and old people. (No one likes people like that)

I can not believe how painful this is. Seriously, when did my boys stop needing me? Everybody told me, "Be happy you have boys. Boys are soooo much easier." WHATEVER! All boys do is break your heart! This is exactly why women are always in love with men that do not want them. As mothers, we are forced to love our boys unconditionally, even when they think they no longer need us. They can break our hearts, make us cry, and forget we exist...we still love them.

Sometimes I wished we were animals that ate our young...they seem to have it together.

I Feel Better!

2009-11-04T07:52:00.001-05:00

Dear EX Friend,

First of all we have only been friends for like ten minutes you creepy bitch. You should really come with a warning label. It is not cool for someone your age to be so clingy. Go home and fuck your husband HARD! You obviously did not get enough attention when you were a kid...that's why crack addicts should NOT have children. It is NOT cool to call me every ten minutes to see what I am doing. Who the fuck gave you my number anyways? OMG if you say one more thing about your "holier than thou" husband I will slit your wrists...not mine, because I like me too much. He use to be the biggest drug dealer this town has ever seen and you were his crack whore so explain to me again why you two are better than everyone else? Oh that's right you were saved and the rest of us are all going to HELL! Well guess what? As long as you are not there, It'll be heaven to me. You are a fucking FREAK! You wonder why you have no friends and people scatter when they see you coming....hmmm let me guess. Is it because you talk about yourself non-stop? Is it because you are a hypocrit? Is it because you suck the life out of everyone you come within a five mile radius of? Oh No, I got it...Maybe it's because you stab people in the back and then try to be their friends? No that's not it. You stand there all high and mighty sucking on your cigarette like your giving a blow job. Who fucking taught you to smoke anyway? You are suppose to inhale. BTW. You look fucking stupid! Maybe instead of praying for me you should be praying for a fucking brain. Oh, I sound ignorant when I say the "f" word? Well FUCK YOU!

I'm Constipated!

2009-10-26T08:29:00.000-04:00

Well actually, that's not true. I really have a case of the hershey squirts right now.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y!

This past week has been filled with uttered mispoken words, compliments of my 5 year old.

On our way to his football game last weekend:

Me: Are you ready for the game?

Son: [crickets]

Me: Well are you ready? Are you going to hit hard?

Son: [blank stare]

Me: Okay...he's off in Na Na Land.

Son: Mom, I'm constipated!

Me: HUH? Constipated! [giggle]

Son: Mom! I can't think.

Me: Oh you mean concentrating?

Taking notes Tuesday night for an online class:

Son: Mom I can write.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: Mom I know what those letters are.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: (pointing) That word is the, that word is can...

Me: [eye roll] Yes honey, I know you know those words.

Son: Mom can I write that for you?

Me: No honey, you can't.

Son: I can write, mom.

Me: I know you can honey, but you have to write sentences.

Son: I know how to do that. I know a period, exclamation point, question mark, quotation marks, and

Q-U-O-M-A-S.

Me: [giggle] Well that settles it then.

Watching wrestling Thursday night...(don't judge me)

My son does this thing when he gets excited. (NO not that! Get your minds out of the gutter...he's only 5)

He clasps his hands together and tightens up all his muscles. Like he is so happy that he's afraid to let it all out. Well he did this Thursday night, so...

Me: Why do you do that?

Son: Because I'm allergic.

Me: Allergic?

Son: Yeah

Me: [giggle] Oh...okay.

My oldest son loves Ramen noodles. So Saturday after he ate the noodles, he gave the cat his "noodle juice" as he calls it. (Yes I know...I laughed too)

Me: Don't give the cat your noodle juice. It'll make him sick.

Oldest Son: No it won't mom

Youngest Son: You gave the cat your noodle juice? You are a serial killer.

Oldest Son: Huh?

Me: Huh?

Youngest Son: I want some Rabbit noodles too!

Me: ummm...Okay.

My youngest son likes to go to the bathroom with the door open. Last night he was in the bathroom and my husband was making dinner.

Me: Hon, whatcha making?

Son: I'm making a turd mom.

Me: Sounds Good!

This is what my everyday life is like. My 5 year old cracks me up, without even knowing it.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD!

Happy Anniversary

2009-10-21T06:35:00.000-04:00

Nine years ago today at this very moment I was standing in my kitchen in my cute bra and matching lace panties making coffee. I was looking hot! This would have been a real zen moment had the the freaky stalker guy not stopped his car in front of the bay window and stared at me. It didn't matter to me though, I was blissfully happy as I raised my right hand, smiled, and waved. Nothing could bring me down, not today, because today I became a Mrs. Somebody. I finally did it, I trapped him. He'll never get rid of me now :0} Poor bastard didn't know that he was signing up for an eternity of mind altering, hot, steamy sex. Oh wait, maybe he did know. So my boo came home from work in the middle of the night all ready for one of those mind altering moments ready to go...if you get my drift.

Me? sniff, cough, cough, ohhhhhh...not feeling so good. Oh yeah...the eldest came home last Friday with it and the youngest has had it for the past two days, so of course I am obligated to get it too. I'm so frickin' pissed!

But you know me, being the addict that I am...a cold never stopped anybody from gettin' their fix.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BOO!

I Do Declare!

2009-10-14T23:24:00.001-04:00

My Very First Award! [blush...giggle]

I got this from a fabulous lady over at Raised Queer you simply must go over and check her out

RIGHT NOW.

Do not wait any longer...you are waisting valuable laughter.

Here's the dealeo on what to do if you find yourself the recipient of this award:

1. You must brag about the award.

2. You must include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.

3. You must choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.

5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.

........then pass it on with the instructions!

Okay Got It? Good

Okay onto what you nosy people really wanna know....hmmm.....let's see, what do you really wanna know? Besides everything? [smirk]

1. I sleep in the fetal position. Hey don't laugh...it makes me feel safe.

2. Sometimes...I make my kids sing everything they say...I do it too...it's fun.

3. I love to sleep buck naked with my husbands penis in between my butt cheeks...Have you ever tried it? Well lay off then. It feels good! (TMI? mmm....maybe, but it is something you didn't know).

4. I still have my first teddy bear...and yes when I feel bad I still sleep with him. He likes it! LOL

5. I am secretly (well I guess not anymore) in love with Dr. Phil. I know, I know, right...I can't explain it either. There is just something about that man.

6. I have written two awesome children's books. They are awesome too...not just because I wrote them, but because, well...I wrote them. I just need a publisher.

7. I think Angelina Jolie is the hottest chick in the world and I would definately leave my husband for her. (No I am not gay, but for her I would be).

8. I love taking one of those big dill pickles and dipping it in peanut butter. (even when I'm not pregnant and no I'm not pregnant)

9. I am terrified of mice no matter what size they are, that is why I have 8 cats. Yes terrified, I mean dead or alive I will be on the kitchen table or the highest point in the house until it is gone. Okay ... whatever, it's okay...you go head and laugh. I know you are afraid of something too so :P ( that is me sticking my tongue out at you, yes you, so there)

10. I have a Mr. Peanut tattoo on my right ankle. Why you ask? Well that's a story for another day.

11. I like butt sex...OOOOOOHHHHH YEAH BABY! There I said it! I don't care. Don't you judge me. You don't know...you just don't know...it's...mmmm....yeah.

Oh I guess I gave you eleven secrets huh? OOOPS. Sorry about that. Just forget the last one then. Okay so now I have to pick seven of my wonderful bloggerittas to bestow this wonderful award on. This is not going to be easy. I would give it to Raised Queer, but she gave it to me, so go see her.

1. Bad Mommy Moments
She is so damn funny retelling crazy stories about her and her kids.

2. Bern This
Hilarious blog about life.

3. Wonderful World of Weiners
Go check out her weiners. They are long, hairy, and adorable.

4. The Bloggess
Who doesn't love her? She is hilarious.

5. Live For Today
Amazingly Amusing and just plain nice.

6. Manic Mommy
Inspiration to us all.

7. Hooked On Quack
Dry Humor...LOVE IT!

8. Mental Poo
Get ready to piss yourself...seriously.

9. Mommy Wants Vodka
Tears of Laughter

10. Short Pump Preppy
Love her. She has lots of great stuff on her site and she is lots of fun.

Okay so Beat It! Go check out all these awesome blogs I just told you about. Don't be telling everyone my secrets either.

Oz Yourself

2009-10-12T18:46:00.002-04:00

This is hilarious. I have always loved Wizard of Oz and now I can be in it!

Get ready to piss yourself!

Plus Size Halloween Costumes

2009-10-06T07:59:00.000-04:00

With Halloween only a few weeks away I thought I would take a look at what was out there for us thick ladies. Some of the things I found were a lot of fun and some of them, well...you will see.

*Warning: The following contents should not be viewed by anyone that may have a weak heart, psychological problems, or prone to night terrors.

I love this one. What woman doesn't want to be Queen?

Queen of Hearts

How innocent. I thought my husband could be the Big Bad Wolf so then he could try to eat me :)

Little Red Riding Hood

There is something about a chick in uniform! This is HOT!

Police Officer

Handcuffs

Let Me Take Your Temperature?

Nurse

Go Green!

Forest Nympho ...um I mean Nymph

Plus Size?

She doesn't look Plus Size to me.

Fire Fighter

For me and the Mr.

Outlet and Plug

For just the Mr ;0)

Sexy Pin Up Girl

I'm thinking it wouldn't be too cool to wear this in public...

There are some things that Fat Chicks just shouldn't do.

These are my random finds for Halloween Costumes. Love 'em or hate 'em they do make 'em.

Kitty Wigs!

2009-09-30T23:45:00.001-04:00

I know you are probably thinking the same thing that I did when I first heard the term...Kitty Wigs.

Some crazy old lady is sitting at home and dressing her cat up like an antique porcelain doll, until the cat runs like hell and jumps in front of the first passing car.

I have to admit though that I am kind of digging the blue one.

I guess it makes the kitties feel special :)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Cat Walk?

I"m too sexy for my wig, too sexy for my wig

I wanna do a little jig.

I'm a model you know what I mean and

I shake my little tush on the cat walk.

On the Cat Walk Yeah!

Okay so that was fun, A-N-Y-W-A-Y

while perusing this idea I found

Doggy Wigs

Oh Yeah!

Check it Out!

This wig would look totally fab on my buddy Scorpion!

He thinks the bitches dig him now, wait til he throws one of these babies on.

He won't be able to fight them off !

My Hero!

2009-09-28T10:06:00.002-04:00

I have chosen Crystal Renn as my new hero!

She's HOT, SEXY, and Best Of ALL

PLUS-SIZE!

She is a model that fought against the stereotypes of rail thin models.

Read the full story here http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/27/fashion-health-and-wellbeing

I'm definately getting her book!

Cankles?

2009-09-25T07:24:00.000-04:00

Okay, I may be fat, but thank the good lord above that I do not have cankles.

"Cankles" by definition is a combination of the words "calf" and "ankles." If you can't tell where your calf stops and your ankle starts, you may have cankles.

If you are one of the elite that have been plagued with cankles, then I am truly sorry. You were probably an evil person in your past life. Live better this time around and maybe next time you'll get lucky ;0)

There is still hope, there are a few things that you can do to rid your life of cankles:

1. Cut your feet off

2. Get a pet elephant - they have them too and you will good standing next to them (in most cases)

3. Wrap them in gauze and tell everyone you were in a freak accident

4. Wear spandex -- then everyone will be staring at you, but not because of your cankles

5. Get tattoos on them --everything looks better painted

6. Wear boots --even to the beach

7. Bring slouch socks back in style

8. Tell everyone that it's an allergic reaction

9. Walk on your hands

10. Buy anklets (well necklaces) --then when people stare you can ask them if they like your ummm...anklet.

See, so don't get all depressed about it. There are lots of things you can do. I guess there are worse things in life...you could have a goiter.

Happy Birthday!

2009-09-22T06:50:00.001-04:00

My oldest son turned 12 years old on Sunday. He decided that he wanted a chocolate cake with strawberry frosting. Now before I continue, you need to promise not to make fun of my beautiful cake...keep in mind that I am NOT a baker. Promise?
Okay...

Okay, so whatever! If you want to see a Martha Stewart cake then go to her website alright.
That's not the point of this story anyway. We were getting ready to sing Happy Birthday when...the phone rang. Okay, stop everything...it's Grandma. The cake can wait!
After an indeterminable amount of time, Back to the Cake!

Oh, But Wait! Something is different. What could it be?

Do you see that dark spot in the corner of the cake? Where there is frosting missing? See it?

Oh well, Who Did It?

Was it you?

No Momma, It wasn't me.
Then who could it be?
Was it you?

Not me. I don't eat cake.
Then Who?
Oh yes, I should have known...

HE HE HE. It was me all along.
As my 6 foot tall neanderthal of a husband went lumbering through the house after this sweet little devlish face, my oldest son yelled, "It's okay. He just wanted a little taste. I'll eat that piece." We all just laughed.

I'm a Moron

2009-09-21T08:52:00.000-04:00

This picture is hysterical!

I can't stop laughing!

Come on be a Moron with me.

http://www.moronface.com/

Check Out My Stuff

2009-09-18T00:55:00.002-04:00

I have finally made it to Etsy! I only have one thing posted right now, but I am working on other projects so stay tuned!

Check me out at

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=8091196

Which One is Which?

2009-09-16T22:23:00.000-04:00

I have heard that sometimes pets look like their owners, but this chick really DOES look like her dog.

Sad part is...I think the dog is better looking :)

RIP Johnny Castle

2009-09-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

I was so sad when I heard that Patrick Swayze passed away. I will never forget the summer my sister and I watched Dirty Dancing every day, probably three times a day. We could recite that movie word for word. No matter what other roles I saw him in, he was always Johhny Castle to me.

RIP Johnny RIP

Generosity

2009-09-13T22:12:00.003-04:00

I don't know how many of you have visited my website http://www.memoirsofafatchick.com or how many of you know my story, but I'm very excited to say that I got my first donation from a lovely lady named Mindy at Bluegrass Money Management, LLC. Thank You Mindy :)

You know there was a time in my life when I had just about given up on the human race. The town that I lived in was full of bitter, mean people and they almost took me down with them. I had a hard time making friends, because people were not at all friendly. This is a place where nice guys do finish last. I was born and raised there so it was hard for me to say goodbye, but I felt like I had to. I had to get out for the sake of my kids. So we moved and I don't regret it for a minute. People are so very nice here. I've made friends and my kids love it. I've gotta tell you since I joined the blogging world, it has really opened my eyes up to how generous people can be. It has renewed my faith in mankind.

Whether you help me out with a few bucks, respond to my silly posts, chat with me on twitter, or just read my blog and website....Thank You. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest hours. Just Thank You!

I Have A Confession!

2009-09-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

When I tell you this story you have to promise not to judge me.

Promise?

Okay. So I have this fun little habit that I like to do and my husband tells me that it's creepy and someday I'll get arrested, but I don't think it's against the law. I have always been a people observer. I just find people interesting and I like to watch them. Well somewhere along the way I have developed this interesting thing that I do. Okay, Well...Alright! Well, you know at night when you are driving in your car and a house has it's lights on?...you know how if you look, you can see inside the house if their curtains are open? Well I like to look. Its fascinating to see what their house looks like on the inside. Is it Clean? Dirty? What kinds of decorations are hanging up? Do they have painted walls or wallpaper? (yes some people still use wallpaper).

It's just a curious habit that I have, especially during the holidays when they have all their decorations up. I'll be honest, it's not always a good thing. I have seen my fair share of asses and they are not always pretty, but for the most part ot's been a good experience. It's not like I go up to the window and stand there looking in. It's just a quick glimpse of someone elses life as we pass by. Thank you to all of those people who leave their curtains open.

I'm not a freak. Am I?

Want? Need? A Little of Both

2009-09-08T00:11:00.000-04:00

I decided to go back to college and take a Literacy Add-On Program to enhance by Bachelor's degree. In order to qualify I needed to add a course so I decided to take a photography class. I have always loved taking pictures and I get so irritated with myself when I they do not come out. Well when I signed up they told me all I needed was a digital camera and I just so happen to hae one of those so I figured I was all set. Guess What? It's not the right kind. I need an SLR camera so after a little research I found the perfect one...

Isn't she beautiful? It's the Canon EOS Rebel XS18-55IS Kit...and it's all your for the low, low price of...wait for it....$549.88. Now if only I had that much money?

All I Want for Christmas Is a Penis Chandelier!

2009-09-03T22:20:00.000-04:00

Oh Please Santa! Pretty Please! I've Been So Good This Year!

I wonder how it hangs?

Check Out This Article!

2009-09-01T09:31:00.000-04:00

Big Boobs and Job Searching - Tory Johnson

Tory Johnson is the CEO of Women For Hire, the Workplace Contributor on ABC’s Good Morning America, and the author of Fired to Hired. Talk to her at Twitter.com/ToryJohnson or check out some of her advice http://abcnews.go.com/gma/jobclub or http://www.womenforhire.com/

I wish I could buy her book. That'll have to go on my wants list.

Good Luck Is Coming My Way!

2009-08-31T22:25:00.000-04:00

My son brought me home a Tootsie Pop and guess what I found on the wrapper...You guessed It! An Indian Shooting a Star. (Okay I know Indian is no longer politically correct, but that's what it's called) Anyway, if you know your childhood games then you know this is good luck and you are suppose to make a wish on it. I bet you can't guess what I am wishing for?

Naughty Doggy

2009-08-30T20:46:00.000-04:00

Okay so I had this bright idea that I was going to make stuffed animals and sell them on Etsy. I'm trying to do whatever I can to make some extra cash since our situation is pretty dire. I had never done this before so I made a pig first and I will admit that it was not good enough to sell probably, but still...

For my first attempt it was not that bad. Well I tried to learn from my mistakes on this one so that I could make another one that was better and sellable. The material was some that my mom gave me so I wasn't really out any money. All week my chihuahua, Scorpion, (hey my 5 year old named him so give me a break), had been eye balling my pig. He has a thing for stuffed animals.

Oh Yes! See those eyes...they were staring my poor pig down. So we all decided to go outside for a nice little distraction. Until it started downpouring, I mean buckets!, without notice...What the hell? Weatherman you are fired! So we all got inside nice and soaked. Well when things calmed a little, what do you think I saw?

That little drowned rat grabbed my piggy and ran with him. I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but piggy's leg is definately broken and he'll never be the same again. Maybe I should make dog toys instead?

Tweet A Prize!

2009-08-27T06:26:00.002-04:00

Get a FREE Link to your website from Tweet- A- Prize. All you have to do is sign up, post their contests and VOILA! They will post a link to your site on their site. Cool Huh? Just Click the link or the cute little bird.

10 Things Fat Chicks Should Never Wear!

2009-08-26T22:41:00.002-04:00

Listen...It's one thing to be living large, but it's a whole other ball game when you don't know that you are living large. Here are a couple helpful tips for you bodaciously beautiful ladies out there.

1. Thongs ~ Why bother wearing underwear?

2. Short Shorts ~ Is that Cottage Cheese all over her legs?

3.Tight Jeans ~ That's the largest camel toe I have ever seen.

4. Tank Tops ~ Holy Cow, She could fly with those arms.

5. Low Rider Jeans ~ Dunlap's Disease just gained a whole new meaning.

6. Half Shirts ~ Is that a muffin top?

7. Spandex ~ Are there midgets fighting in her pants?

8. Shirt without a bra ~ Ma'am your under arrest for concealing illegal weapons.

9.Stilettos ~ Those poor shoes...They should have a weight limit.

10. Bikini ~ Are they filming The Blob here?

Why Do Dogs Eat Cat Poop?

2009-08-26T01:08:00.006-04:00

Cat's already think they are superior...why do dogs give them more ammunition by eating their poop?

Better yet why do we let the dog lick our face?

Obsessed With Being Obsessed!

2009-08-25T13:30:00.003-04:00

I think I am obsessed with being obsessed. I hop from one obsession to the next like I'm playing hopscotch. My current obsession is this blog. I want to be a successful blogger, so I have been researching other peoples blogs and articles trying to gather tips. I just want to be successful at something. Right now I can't find a job to match my degree so I am trying to make money doing other things. Once I am done with this obsession though, I will be onto something else like sewing, scrapbooking, or photography...hopefully one of my obsessions will be successful.

10 Things You Should Never Buy Used

2009-08-24T13:57:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I was reading this article called "Ten Things You Should Never Buy Used" it talked about all this electronic stuff and household items. There are a few things that came to mind while reading this that were not on the list so here is my version of
"10 Things You Should Never Buy Used"

1. Underwear

2. Bathing Suit

3. Toothbrush

4. Deodorant

5. Hairbrush

6. Vibrators

7. Lipstick

8. Ped-Egg

9. Pantyhose

10. Make-up

I think I would buy a used computer part before I'd buy any of these items used.

Note to Self!

2009-08-24T01:40:00.002-04:00

Please remember that the brown spot on your upper right boob is NOT a blackhead. It is a mole and it belongs there!

Style-ish Giveaway!

2009-08-20T17:24:00.004-04:00

Click the Cupcake and join and awesome giveaway to help "I am Style-ish" Celebrate her 1 year blogiversary.

I'm Moving to London!

2009-08-20T13:11:00.004-04:00

People are GIVING AWAY MONEY! FREE MONEY! I want some. This is actually a pretty cool article. "Putpockets" give a little extra cash.

Crying in the Shower

2009-08-19T15:19:00.001-04:00

I like to cry in the shower...

No one can hear me and it washes my tears away. I always feel better after a good cry and that's what I just did!

Check It Out

2009-08-18T20:37:00.002-04:00

Better Late Than Never, but check this out! I thought it was cool and I'm definately doing it...What do you have to lose?

Stop Staring!

2009-08-18T16:53:00.006-04:00

Grumpy Bear has a staring problem! I've discussed this with him before, but it's getting out of hand. He was looking at me like this when I got out of the shower today...CREAPY!

I've had Grumpy since I was 6 years old. He is an original Care Bear and as you can tell he has seen better days. I love him though...he has gone every where with me since the day that I got him. He is the most educated well travelled bear you will ever see.

Now if we can just take care of his little peeping tom problem we will be okay...I wonder if he's been watching my husband and me.

I Want Karyn Bosnak's Books!

2009-08-16T12:07:00.004-04:00

I am an avid reader and like to read a lot of different genres. Since I have been keeping up with Karyn Bosnak's website http://prettyinthecity.blogspot.com/ I have just fallen in love with her...I know better late than never right. So I decided that I just have to have to her books. I tried to reason that this was a definite need, but my husband insists that it is a want. What do you think?

Fat Chick Fund!

2009-08-15T14:49:00.003-04:00

Okay so I have decided to Promote my Fat Chick Fund. I've got a little something for everyone that decides to be generous enough to donate some money to MY Fat Chick Fund. Okay are you ready? Wait for it....

Yes! That's right people...for every dollar you donate you wil get a Fat Chick Buck in return. You might ask, What are they good for? Well let me tell you. They are good for a laugh, stick them in a birthday card, give them to a friend that is having a bad day, use them for monopoly money, throw them all over your bed and roll in them...okay that might be stretching it. I think you get my point though. The first person to donate get's an extra $5.00 Fat Chick Bucks, if you donate more than $20, you'll get a special one of a kind $100 Fat Chick Buck. Who can resist that?

Fat Girls!

2009-08-14T14:35:00.004-04:00

Eli Braden e-mailed this video to me today and it is just what I needed to get myself out of the slump. It's hilarious.

"FAT GIRLS" by Eli Braden - watch more funny videos

If you want to see more of his work go to http://www.funnyordie.com/elibraden

I'm So Depressed! BOO HOO!

2009-08-14T14:01:00.003-04:00

Okay I need to let this all out so that I will feel better. I'm gonna have a Pity Party. My frigging air conditioner is broken and it is hotter than hell.WHY did I move to NC from NY? I think I'll take my lawn chair and go sit in the freezer section at Bi- Lo...why not? It worked for them on Married With Children, LOL. I'm dirt ass poor and have only been eating once a day to make food last as long as possible...so this fat chick is gonna be a skinny chick before long...Maybe that's a good thing. School starts on Aug. 25th. I still have no job and my kids have no sneakers, clothes, or supplies to start the year. If I do not come up with $2000 right quick I am going to be living in my car. Of course, that will be temporary, because they are going to take that for non payment. Karyn Bosnak says "Add it Up" and she's right but I'm already in the a black hole of depression...that just might make me jump! I will do it, I just need a bottle of Vodka and a joint...ha ha. Why did I go to college? Oh that's right to get a degree and make a better life for myself. HMMMM. How's that working out? Okay Okay. I'm done. Pity Party Over!

Stinky Pickles

2009-08-13T23:49:00.004-04:00

Okay so I think that the Prize Patrol got lost trying to find my house, but I have another opportunity next month, so who knows :)

When my youngest boy was around 2 years old he use to stick his feet in my face and say smell em' Well At some point I did and said jokingly, "EW they smell like pickles." So from that point on he called his toes pickles. Now everytime we we are playing he says "Momma, smell my pickles!" Kids say the funniest things...

Wish Me Luck!

2009-08-13T12:17:00.002-04:00

Okay so today is the day that Publishers Clearing House said they might come to my house...Someone in my area with my initials is gonna win! I'm sitting here waiting for them. I know this is the answer to my prayers. LOL

I Need An Umbrella

2009-08-11T20:40:00.004-04:00

With my birthday just a week away and no money to spend, I have been taking a closer look at things that I want VS things that I need. I have decided to dedicate part of my blog to these difficult decisions. Sometimes it's hard to separate the two. Like I just got back from my youngest son's football practice and I got soaked...I look like Boog off Open Season when he ends up in the river. Football season is a long season and it rains all the time here. I feel that I really need an umbrella. I know that some would argue, but I can't afford to go the doctor's if I get sick so I'd rather get the umbrella. I'm not sure if I will actually break down and buy one, because I can always thinnk of better ways to use the money, but I'm gonna mark this one down as a need.

Laugh Factor ~ Today is laundry day so when I got dressed I ended up with a black bra and pink shirt. I was okay with the, because who would know? You couldn't see through my pink shirt until it started to pore at football practice...Yes I was the fat chick in the black bra and wet pink t-shirt. Of course if I was a size 3 it would have been considered sexy. Instead 5 year olds and probably some adults are gonna have nightmares tonight.

I Need a Haircut

2009-08-11T16:39:00.004-04:00

I really need a haircut...I'm starting to look like a Chia Pet. I just can not spend the money right now and have been racking my brain to figure out a way. I'm about to take the clippers to it, even if I end up looking like PeeWee Herman. I'm glad I have boys, because I can just use the clippers on them and my husband. In fact my nephew left them here when he moved out so it literally costs me nothing but time. I think I'm gonna see if there are any Beauty Schools in the area...I know sometimes they'll give you a free do if you let them experiment on you. I know it's risky, but anything is better than the hot mess I have going on right now.Wish Me Luck

R.I.P My Beloved!

2009-08-10T17:13:00.002-04:00

Our beautiful, loving cat and best friend died today. His name was Luther and we had him for 10 years. We do not know what happened, we just found him. I have not told my boys yet, because they have already faced enough heartache lately that I just can't do that to them. I know I will have to tell them soon, because they are going to be asking me where he is. He sleeps with them every night. I'm so crushed!

Help A Fat Chick Out

2009-08-09T23:20:00.008-04:00

Okay so I have everything set up. My donate button and address is to the left and yes Grace Matthews is not my real name. No I'm not trying to hide from anyone, but with the job I am trying to acquire they may frown upon my blog so I didn't want them to google me and find it. As it is I'm not allowed to have Facebook or Myspace. If you can help me and my family than I love you dearly and hopefully someday I can repay the favor, if not that's okay to. If you think there is anything I can do to help you out then please don't hesitate to ask...I AM MARRIED so please don't ask for "favors". Thanks

OR

Renee Hall
P.O. Box 785
Stanley, NC 28164

"I Hate My Life" ~ Bette Midler

2009-08-09T22:30:00.003-04:00

I just got done watching Beaches. I forgot how much I love that movie. I love Bette Midler anyway, she always plays a spunky character. I can't believe how much Myim Bialik really looks like her either. Through out the whole movie she is saying "I Hate My Life". I'm really glad I watched it when I did, because it reminded me that she never gave up, no matter how bad things got for her. She was successful and her friend that had all the money had her husband cheat on her and she ended up dieing. So the next thing I did was go to Karyn Bosnak's website and realized that she never gave up either. Her circumstances were a little different than mine. My debt is not from credit cards, however DEBT IS DEBT...no matter where it comes from. I'm not giving up! I can't, I have two beautiful boys that are depending on me to figure this out. So I'm gonna put a PayPal link on this website and if you can donate anything that would be great. I will also give you my mailing address. The other thing that you can do is buy any of my items by clicking on the links to the right. I thank you for anything that you can do. Trust me, this isn't easy. I've never done anything like this before, but I need to do this.

It Wasn't Meant To Be

2009-08-08T22:09:00.003-04:00

Okay so I'm gonna feel sorry for myself for a few minutes and since no one reads this anyway I think it's okay. Since I was a young girl I always felt that I was meant for more. I always wanted more out of life. I just knew that I would be different. I made some bad choices and took some wrong turns along the way, but I've still always felt that there was something more for me. I got my college degree and my family and I moved here, because there were suppose to be jobs...yeah I know what you are thinking. All I ever wanted to do is teach. I landed in this job as a substitute and ended up taking over the position, because the teacher did not come back. I thought this is it...this is my time. Well guess what? Budget cuts! I do not have a job to go to this coming up year. So I sit here and try to find ways to make money so I can take care of my kids and pay my bills. My husband works 70 hours a week making crappy pay and doesn't bring hme enough to support us. For me to get a job, it would have to be full time and above minimum wage, because I have to pay a sitter. So by the time I pay the sitter I'm actually losing money. So I had this bright idea to write a children's book and I did, but guess what? You need money to illustrate and publish it. Not to mention it would take a small miracle for someone to publish it...there are a thousand people just like me out there. Then I thought that I would start a blog and create some product. I could make some people laugh and sell some of my things. Why not? Karyn Bosnak started a website and people just gave her money? What makes her so different from me? I'm not asking for hand outs. Don't get me wrong I totally love Karyn Bosnak and think she is great, but I have to ask...What about me? I can't even get someone to read this dang blog let alone buy anything from me. Even though I only make a few dollars per sale. I've tried so many different on-line jobs, I've made stuffed animals, sold stuff in e-bay, wrote this stinking blog, and for what? I just think that maybe it's just not meant to be for me. Maybe all these years that I've felt that way, I have been diluding myself. It just wasn't meant to be. I was meant to be a failure in every aspect of my life. I completed college and now I am in debt past my eyeballs with no job. It's depressing. I worry about my kids. As a parent you want them to have everything and I can give them nothing. They say money isn't everything...well rich people say that. It's not everything to them, because they have it. Honestly being able to financially support family is the only thing missing from my life, so money is happiness. I'm gonna lose my house, my car, and who knows what else.

It just wasn't meant to be!

Seedless Watermelon!

2009-08-08T21:16:00.004-04:00

My 5 year old begged me for watermelon today and since it's fruit and it's good for you I really couldn't deny him. They were $3 a piece so he had to pick the largest one and it was all I could do to lift it. There was this huge sticker on them that said seedless watermelon, so I was pretty excited about that. While I was trying to juggle it out of the fridge and onto the counter tonight I dropped the huge monster on my big toe. Let's just say I said quite a few curse words and I know that my toe will never be the same again. My poor toe. It did help in the cutting it open process, because it split right open...I hate cutting watermelon...I never have a big enough knife. So I ask you this.

Does this look like a seedless watermelon to you?

Hmmmmm....Apple Jacks

2009-08-07T07:55:00.002-04:00

I really love Apple Jacks. They are so yummy. Best part is, I think they are good for you. I mean they are made from apples right? ... Okay, Okay....so I try ; )

John Hughes Died :o(

2009-08-06T21:53:00.003-04:00

Okay so though I did not know him personally....I'm still pretty sad :(
I grew up watching all of his movies and some of them got me through my darkest hours as a teen. I feel like I am slowly losing my childhood with every day that goes by. I loved my childhood...I don't want to lose it! So many of the wonderful things that I had as a kid are now gone... Daddy, Grandma, penny candy, Michael Jackson, and the metabolism :(
Another sad day for me.

I Broke My Favorite Coffee Mug : (

2009-08-05T20:14:00.003-04:00

For all you coffee drinkers out there...you know how devestating it can be to break your favorite coffee mug. It's like ripping your favorite undies, losing your favorite pj's, or sitting on your favorite pair of sunglasses. I am so devestated... I loved that stupid mug. I opened the cupboard door and it just fell out...someone (probably my husband) left it sitting on the edge. Something this traumatic HAS to be someones fault. It couldn't have been an accident, just couldn't have been. Do you think I could glue it back together? Maybe. So I sweep up the pieces careful not to lose any and I place it in a paperbag. Well, I still need to have my morning coffee so now what cup will I use? I have probably 50 to choose from and my husband insists taht I have too many, but what if I have company? They need to have something to choose from. So I narrow it down to about 10 mugs, but you know whichever one I use just won't be the same. It won't have that nice cozy feeling in my hand. I'll have to break it in like a new pair of shoes....it's a long and painful process! So here's to my favorite coffee mug...May you rest in peace.

Who Decides What Fat Is?

2009-08-04T22:35:00.004-04:00

Who in the hell is in charge of deciding what is considered fat and what isn't? Did someone, somewhere along the way get elected to be the Fat Judge? I bet it's some skinny little bitch that is repulsed by the sight of any cellulite. You know those girls I'm talking about. They look at you like you have some festering pussy rash all over your face. They sit there and munch on their rice cakes just so they have something to throw up in a few minutes. In some countries the fatter you are the sexier you are considered...I'm not sure which countries those are yet, but I'm looking into it. I just know they have to be out there. I think I'd rather just be fat. It's easier than trying to be something I'm not.

Fat Chicks Should Not Wear Spandex!

2009-08-04T12:21:00.003-04:00

I don' care who you are....if your fat, you should never, ever, ever, wear spandex. I'm a big girl too, but there are certain things that you should just not do. Fat chicks are sexy, but not when it looks like two midgets are fighting in their pants. I can't believe that companies would even make them that big. Who thought that was a good idea?

I Rest My Case!

What Is Wrong With "Fat"?

2009-08-02T01:21:00.005-04:00

What is wrong with the word fat? Why is everybody afraid to say it? It's like a curse word for crying out loud. I'm the kid of girl that calls it like I see it and honey I'm FAT! I much rather be called fat than morbidly obese...what the hell is morbidly obese anyhow?

from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fat

fat
/fæt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fat] Show IPA adjective, fat⋅ter, fat⋅test, noun, verb, fat⋅ted, fat⋅ting.
Use fat in a Sentence
–adjective

1. having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese: a fat person.

2. plump; well-fed: a good, fat chicken.

3. consisting of or containing fat; greasy; oily: fat gravy; fat meat.

4. profitable, as an office: a fat job on the city commission.

5. affording good opportunities, esp. for gain: a fat business contract.

6. wealthy; prosperous; rich: He grew fat on dishonest profits.

7. big, broad, or extended; thick: a fat sheaf of bills.

8. plentiful; abundant: a fat supply of food.

9.plentifully supplied: a fat larder; a fat feast.

10. dull; stupid: fat clumsiness of manner.

11. abounding in a particular element: Fat pine is rich in resin.

12. (of paint) having more oil than pigment. Compare lean 2 (def. 6).

13.(of coal) highly bituminous; rich in volatile hydrocarbons.

14. Ceramics. long 1 (def. 25).

15. fertile, as land: Everything grows in this fat soil.

Okay so I do not see the word morbid in there anywhere, in fact I kinda like #4 - 6.
I say embrace the word Fat and be who you are. Besides it's the shortest word you can use to describe yourself :)
I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite comedians...

"I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !" ~ George Carlin. (RIP...I miss you)

The Booby Rub

2009-07-31T15:37:00.004-04:00

Okay Okay I know what you are thinking. It's not like that at all.

The Booby Rub is a symbolic gesture that started a couple of years ago. I have two boys that absolutely love video games. They also love leaving their crap all over the floor like typical boys do. If any of you out there know anything about Playstation games then you know where I'm going with this. My youngest would come running up to me with tears in his eyes saying "Momma, my game won't work." So I'd tell him to bring it to me, because I wasn't about to get up from my favorite position on the couch and interupt my favorite television program for a silly video game. AAANYWAY..."Well little guy I don't suppose all these fingerprints and scratches have anything to do with it not working." Exhausted I look around for something and it doesn't take me long to see what's literally right in front of my face, thus the Booby Rub was born. I took the CD rubbed it on my boob a couple of times and VOILA! Magic! The game was fixed.

Now every couple of days I'll hear him come running, just begging me for the Booby Rub.

I Look Just Like Gwenyth Paltrow!

2009-07-30T16:43:00.003-04:00

I know all you thicker gals out there can totally relate to what I'm saying.

You walk into Burger King to get yourself a nice juicy cheeseburger, because you haven't eaten all day. No need to look at the menu-you know what you want.

You order and give the cashier the exact change needed. What? So what, I've been here before. I just happen to like the doublecheeseburger with bacon value meal go big with a chocolate shake and oh yeah could you give me some ranch on the side for my fries. Oh why not add three of those Otis Spunkmeyer Macadamia Nut Cookies that just came out of the oven. God I love those cookies and afterall, there is a deal if you buy three. I'll save them for later. I didn't eat breakfast so it should be okay. Standing there waiting feels like an eternity, you know you must have lost 5 pounds today...I mean you didn't eat breakfast and it is 2pm in the afternoon. Oh that's right forgot about the quick candybar I picked up at Walmart. Well, I need more than a measly candybar to get me throught the day. Ok so here is my food finally!
You sit down at one of the tables with pull out chairs, because whoever designed those stupid booths must have been a toothpick. Who the hell can fit in one of those things. Anyway, back to my mouth watering cheeseburger. I get all comfy and have everything laid out in it's place. The ranch is open and next to the fries, the cheeseburger wrapper is laid out flat, and my shake is two inches from my left hand. Okay, now GO! Oh My God! This is the best burger I have ever had. I can't eat it fast enough. I am so glad that I skipped breakfast. You are in total heaven and then...
You look up to see the most beautiful man staring right at you. You know what he is thinking. You can see his thoughts on his face. He's looking at you with that curled up top lip and his eyebrows are raised. You slowly put the burger down and wipe your mouth. God! WHY? Why does ther always have to be a hotty around when I decide to shove food in my face. You are instantly no longer hungry. You feel like you just grew twice as big as you were when you walked in there. You think to yourself "What would a skinny person do?" Well I could go make myself throw up, but that would be gross and if I throw all this yummy food away it would be a waste of money. I could pretend to call a friend on my cell phone and talk real loud. I could mention that I didn't eat breakfast. He would understand then. I mean a girl has to eat sometime, right? Oh, I guess I'll just get a to-go bag and get outta here.
Once you are in your car you indulge yourself again in this lucious cheeseburger. No one can see you now so you can eat in peace. You can't stop thinking about the look on his face. He was probably thinking 'That fat cow needs another meal! She looks like she bought out the restaurant. Doesn't she look in the mirror before she leaves the house. STOP EATING FATSO!
Screw HIM! Who does he think he is anyway. What makes him a better person than me. He has no idea who I am. I have a great sense of humor. I'm funny and nice to people. I have a lot of friends. He probably has a small penis anyway :) What a jerk! You know maybe he wasn't thinking that anyway. Maybe he was staring at me, because he thought I looked just like Gwenyth Paltrow. A lot of my friends have told me that. Maybe he thought I was so beautiful that he just couldn't look away. I bet that was it.

Gosh, why do I over react! Where are those cookies? They are best with a glass of milk :)