WHATEVER!!!!!

Conversation with my 5 year old:


5 Year Old: Momma, Will you watch a movie with me? [blink blink]

Me: Of course I will baby. What would you like to watch?

5 Year Old: Curious George

Me: Okay Pumpkin. Do you want to lay here with Momma and cuddle?

5 Year Old: Ummmm.....NO.

Me: You don't wanna lay here with me? [blink blink]

5 Year Old: Nnnno

Me: Oh. Okay [sniff]

Apparently batting your eyes does not work the other way around.

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Conversation with my 12 year old:

11 Year Old: Mom I have to write an essay.

Me: Oh yeah. What about?

11 Year Old: I have to write about someone who has influenced me.

Me: Oh Really? [ears perk]

11 Year Old: What does that really mean?

Me: Well, Who has taught you right from wrong? Who has taught you to do the right thing? [smile]

11 Year Old: Oh, Okay. That's easy.

Time passes

11 Year Old: Mom would you read this.

Me: Of course [sit up straight]

I got all excited getting ready to read how wonderful I am and much I have influenced my beautiful boy. It went something like this:

Many people have influenced me in my life. One person has influenced me a lot. They have taught me right from wrong. They taught me to be a good person and a good friend to people. They taught me to love my family. They taught me how to make good decisions and work hard. My dad has influenced me the most in my life.

STOP! What? [choke] Who? Huh? ...DAD?

What the HELL?

[Okay you are a grown up...just keep reading and breathing.]

I finished the essay and told my wonderful son how wonderful his essay was.

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When the hell did this happen?

Why the hell did this happen?

WHEN did my boys stop thinking I was perfect?

WHEN did my little 5 year old stop needing to cuddle with me during a movie?

WHEN did my 11 year old switch sides? I mean..ehum...

WHEN did my 11 year old stop thinking that I was the most awesome person in the world?

More importantly...

WHEN did my 11 year old start thinking his father was the most awesome person in the world?

WHEN did this happen?

WHY didn't anyone tell me?

WHAT am I going to do about it?

WHO does he think he is?

WHERE should I hide the body? [just kidding]

HOW am I going to change this?

HOW could I let this happen?

Something must be done. Something HAS to be done. But WHAT?

Well...

I could keep it a little colder in the house so the 5 year old will want to cuddle for warmth. Then...

I could tell my 11 year old that his father is really one of the bad guys from Transformers.

WHAT? Oh your right, he probably won't believe that.

I will tell him his father is mean to babies and old people. (No one likes people like that)

I can not believe how painful this is. Seriously, when did my boys stop needing me? Everybody told me, "Be happy you have boys. Boys are soooo much easier." WHATEVER! All boys do is break your heart! This is exactly why women are always in love with men that do not want them. As mothers, we are forced to love our boys unconditionally, even when they think they no longer need us. They can break our hearts, make us cry, and forget we exist...we still love them.

Sometimes I wished we were animals that ate our young...they seem to have it together.

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I Feel Better!

Dear EX Friend,

         First of all we have only been friends for like ten minutes you creepy bitch.  You should really come with a warning label. It is not cool for someone your age to be so clingy. Go home and fuck your husband HARD! You obviously did not get enough attention when you were a kid...that's why crack addicts should NOT have children. It is NOT cool to call me every ten minutes to see what I am doing. Who the fuck gave you my number anyways? OMG if you say one more thing about your "holier than thou" husband I will slit your wrists...not mine, because I like me too much. He use to be the biggest drug dealer this town has ever seen and you were his crack whore so explain to me again why you two are better than everyone else? Oh that's right you were saved and the rest of us are all going to HELL! Well guess what? As long as you are not there, It'll be heaven to me. You are a fucking FREAK! You wonder why you have no friends and people scatter when they see you coming....hmmm let me guess. Is it because you talk about yourself non-stop? Is it because you are a hypocrit? Is it because you suck the life out of everyone you come within a five mile radius of? Oh No, I got it...Maybe it's because you stab people in the back and  then try to be their friends? No that's not it. You stand there all high and mighty sucking on your cigarette like your giving a blow job. Who fucking taught you to smoke anyway? You are suppose to inhale. BTW. You look fucking stupid! Maybe instead of praying for me you should be praying for a fucking brain. Oh, I sound ignorant when I say the "f" word? Well FUCK YOU!

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