I'm Constipated!

Well actually, that's not true. I really have a case of the hershey squirts right now.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y!

This past week has been filled with uttered mispoken words, compliments of my 5 year old.

On our way to his football game last weekend:

Me: Are you ready for the game?

Son: [crickets]

Me: Well are you ready? Are you going to hit hard?

Son: [blank stare]

Me: Okay...he's off in  Na Na Land.

Son: Mom, I'm constipated!

Me: HUH? Constipated! [giggle]

Son: Mom! I can't think.

Me: Oh you mean concentrating?

Taking notes Tuesday night for an online class:

Son: Mom I can write.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: Mom I know what those letters are.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: (pointing) That word is the, that word is can...

Me: [eye roll] Yes honey, I know you know those words.

Son: Mom can I write that for you?

 Me: No honey, you can't.

Son: I can write, mom.

Me: I know you can honey, but you have to write sentences.

Son: I know how to do that. I know a period, exclamation point, question mark, quotation marks, and

Q-U-O-M-A-S.

Me: [giggle] Well that settles it then.

                                                    

Watching wrestling Thursday night...(don't judge me)

My son does this thing when he gets excited. (NO not that! Get your minds out of the gutter...he's only 5)

He clasps his hands together and tightens up all his muscles. Like he is so happy that he's afraid to let it all out. Well he did this Thursday night, so...

Me: Why do you do that?

Son: Because I'm allergic.

Me: Allergic?

Son: Yeah

Me: [giggle] Oh...okay.

My oldest son loves Ramen noodles. So Saturday after he ate the noodles, he gave the cat his "noodle juice" as he calls it. (Yes I know...I laughed too)

Me: Don't give the cat your noodle juice. It'll make him sick.

Oldest Son: No it won't mom

Youngest Son: You gave the cat your noodle juice? You are a serial killer.

Oldest Son: Huh?

Me: Huh?

Youngest Son: I want some Rabbit noodles too!

Me: ummm...Okay.

My youngest son likes to go to the bathroom with the door open. Last night he was in the bathroom and my husband was making dinner.

Me: Hon, whatcha making?

Son: I'm making a turd mom.

Me: Sounds Good!

This is what my everyday life is like. My 5 year old cracks me up, without even knowing it.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD! 

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Happy Anniversary

Nine years ago today at this very moment I was standing in my kitchen in my cute bra and matching lace panties making coffee. I was looking hot! This would have been a real zen moment had the the freaky stalker guy not stopped his car in front of the bay window and stared at me. It didn't matter to me though, I was blissfully happy as I raised my right hand, smiled, and waved. Nothing could bring me down, not today, because today I became a Mrs. Somebody. I finally did it, I trapped him. He'll never get rid of me now :0} Poor bastard didn't know that he was signing up for an eternity of mind altering, hot, steamy sex. Oh wait, maybe he did know. So my boo came home from work in the middle of the night all ready for one of those mind altering moments ready to go...if you get my drift.

Me? sniff, cough, cough, ohhhhhh...not feeling so good. Oh yeah...the eldest came home last Friday with it and the youngest has had it for the past two days, so of course I am obligated to get it too. I'm so frickin' pissed!

But you know me, being the addict that I am...a cold never stopped anybody from gettin' their fix.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BOO!

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I Do Declare!

My Very First Award! [blush...giggle]

I got this from a fabulous lady over at Raised Queer you simply must go over and check her out

 RIGHT NOW.

Do not wait any longer...you are waisting valuable laughter.

Here's the dealeo on what to do if you find yourself the recipient of this award:

1. You must brag about the award.

2. You must include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.

3. You must choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.

5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.

........then pass it on with the instructions!

Okay Got It? Good

Okay onto what you nosy people really wanna know....hmmm.....let's see, what do you really wanna know? Besides everything? [smirk]

1. I sleep in the fetal position. Hey don't laugh...it makes me feel safe.

2. Sometimes...I make my kids sing everything they say...I do it too...it's fun.

3. I love to sleep buck naked with my husbands penis in between my butt cheeks...Have you ever tried it? Well lay off then. It feels good! (TMI? mmm....maybe, but it is something you didn't know).

4. I still have my first teddy bear...and yes when I feel bad I still sleep with him. He likes it! LOL

5. I am secretly (well I guess not anymore) in love with Dr. Phil. I know, I know,  right...I can't explain it either. There is just something about that man.

6. I have written two awesome children's books. They are awesome too...not just because I wrote them, but because, well...I wrote them. I just need a publisher.

7. I think Angelina Jolie is the hottest chick in the world and I would definately leave my husband for her. (No I am not gay, but for her I would be).

8. I love taking one of those big dill pickles and dipping it in peanut butter. (even when I'm not pregnant and no I'm not pregnant)

9. I am terrified of mice no matter what size they are, that is why I have 8 cats. Yes terrified, I mean dead or alive I will be on the kitchen table or the highest point in the house until it is gone. Okay ... whatever, it's okay...you go head and laugh. I know you are afraid of something too so :P ( that is me sticking my tongue out at you, yes you, so there)

10. I have a Mr. Peanut tattoo on my right ankle. Why you ask? Well that's a story for another day.

11. I like butt sex...OOOOOOHHHHH YEAH BABY! There I said it! I don't care. Don't you judge me. You don't know...you just don't know...it's...mmmm....yeah.

Oh I guess I gave you eleven secrets huh? OOOPS. Sorry about that. Just forget the last one then. Okay so now I have to pick seven of my wonderful bloggerittas to bestow this wonderful award on. This is not going to be easy. I would give it to Raised Queer, but she gave it to me, so go see her.

1. Bad Mommy Moments
She is so damn funny retelling crazy stories about her and her kids. 

2.  Bern This
Hilarious blog about life.

3. Wonderful World of Weiners
Go check out her weiners. They are long, hairy, and adorable.

4. The Bloggess
Who doesn't love her? She is hilarious.

5. Live For Today
Amazingly Amusing  and just plain nice.

6. Manic Mommy
Inspiration to us all.

7. Hooked On Quack
Dry Humor...LOVE IT!

8. Mental Poo
Get ready to piss yourself...seriously.

9. Mommy Wants Vodka
Tears of Laughter

10. Short Pump Preppy
Love her. She has lots of great stuff on her site and she is lots of fun.

Okay so Beat It! Go check out all these awesome blogs I just told you about. Don't be telling everyone my secrets either.

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Oz Yourself

This is hilarious. I have always loved Wizard of Oz and now I can be in it!

Get ready to piss yourself!

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Plus Size Halloween Costumes

With Halloween only a few weeks away I thought I would take a look at what was out there for us thick ladies. Some of the things I found were a lot of fun and some of them, well...you will see.

*Warning: The following contents should not be viewed by anyone that may have a weak heart, psychological problems, or prone to night terrors.

I love this one. What woman doesn't want to be Queen?

Queen of Hearts

How innocent. I thought my husband could be the Big Bad Wolf so then he could try to eat me :)

Little Red Riding Hood

There is something about a chick in uniform! This is HOT!

Police Officer

Handcuffs

OR

Let Me Take Your Temperature?

Nurse

Go Green!

Forest Nympho ...um I mean Nymph

Plus Size?

She doesn't look Plus Size to me.

Fire Fighter

For me and the Mr.

Outlet and Plug

For just the Mr  ;0)

Sexy Pin Up Girl

I'm thinking it wouldn't be too cool to wear this in public...

There are some things that Fat Chicks just shouldn't do.

These are my random finds for Halloween Costumes. Love 'em or hate 'em they do make 'em.

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