Conversation with my 5 year old:
5 Year Old: Momma, Will you watch a movie with me? [blink blink]
Nov 17, 2009
Conversation with my 5 year old:
Nov 4, 2009
Dear EX Friend,
First of all we have only been friends for like ten minutes you creepy bitch. You should really come with a warning label. It is not cool for someone your age to be so clingy. Go home and fuck your husband HARD! You obviously did not get enough attention when you were a kid...that's why crack addicts should NOT have children. It is NOT cool to call me every ten minutes to see what I am doing. Who the fuck gave you my number anyways? OMG if you say one more thing about your "holier than thou" husband I will slit your wrists...not mine, because I like me too much. He use to be the biggest drug dealer this town has ever seen and you were his crack whore so explain to me again why you two are better than everyone else? Oh that's right you were saved and the rest of us are all going to HELL! Well guess what? As long as you are not there, It'll be heaven to me. You are a fucking FREAK! You wonder why you have no friends and people scatter when they see you coming....hmmm let me guess. Is it because you talk about yourself non-stop? Is it because you are a hypocrit? Is it because you suck the life out of everyone you come within a five mile radius of? Oh No, I got it...Maybe it's because you stab people in the back and then try to be their friends? No that's not it. You stand there all high and mighty sucking on your cigarette like your giving a blow job. Who fucking taught you to smoke anyway? You are suppose to inhale. BTW. You look fucking stupid! Maybe instead of praying for me you should be praying for a fucking brain. Oh, I sound ignorant when I say the "f" word? Well FUCK YOU!
Oct 26, 2009
Well actually, that's not true. I really have a case of the hershey squirts right now.
This past week has been filled with uttered mispoken words, compliments of my 5 year old.
On our way to his football game last weekend:
Me: Are you ready for the game?
Oct 21, 2009
Nine years ago today at this very moment I was standing in my kitchen in my cute bra and matching lace panties making coffee. I was looking hot! This would have been a real zen moment had the the freaky stalker guy not stopped his car in front of the bay window and stared at me. It didn't matter to me though, I was blissfully happy as I raised my right hand, smiled, and waved. Nothing could bring me down, not today, because today I became a Mrs. Somebody. I finally did it, I trapped him. He'll never get rid of me now :0} Poor bastard didn't know that he was signing up for an eternity of mind altering, hot, steamy sex. Oh wait, maybe he did know. So my boo came home from work in the middle of the night all ready for one of those mind altering moments ready to go...if you get my drift.
Me? sniff, cough, cough, ohhhhhh...not feeling so good. Oh yeah...the eldest came home last Friday with it and the youngest has had it for the past two days, so of course I am obligated to get it too. I'm so frickin' pissed!
But you know me, being the addict that I am...a cold never stopped anybody from gettin' their fix.
Oct 14, 2009
1. You must brag about the award.
2. You must include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.
3. You must choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.
5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.
........then pass it on with the instructions!
Okay onto what you nosy people really wanna know....hmmm.....let's see, what do you really wanna know? Besides everything? [smirk]
1. I sleep in the fetal position. Hey don't laugh...it makes me feel safe.
2. Sometimes...I make my kids sing everything they say...I do it too...it's fun.
3. I love to sleep buck naked with my husbands penis in between my butt cheeks...Have you ever tried it? Well lay off then. It feels good! (TMI? mmm....maybe, but it is something you didn't know).
4. I still have my first teddy bear...and yes when I feel bad I still sleep with him. He likes it! LOL
5. I am secretly (well I guess not anymore) in love with Dr. Phil. I know, I know, right...I can't explain it either. There is just something about that man.
6. I have written two awesome children's books. They are awesome too...not just because I wrote them, but because, well...I wrote them. I just need a publisher.
7. I think Angelina Jolie is the hottest chick in the world and I would definately leave my husband for her. (No I am not gay, but for her I would be).
8. I love taking one of those big dill pickles and dipping it in peanut butter. (even when I'm not pregnant and no I'm not pregnant)
9. I am terrified of mice no matter what size they are, that is why I have 8 cats. Yes terrified, I mean dead or alive I will be on the kitchen table or the highest point in the house until it is gone. Okay ... whatever, it's okay...you go head and laugh. I know you are afraid of something too so :P ( that is me sticking my tongue out at you, yes you, so there)
10. I have a Mr. Peanut tattoo on my right ankle. Why you ask? Well that's a story for another day.
11. I like butt sex...OOOOOOHHHHH YEAH BABY! There I said it! I don't care. Don't you judge me. You don't know...you just don't know...it's...mmmm....yeah.
Oh I guess I gave you eleven secrets huh? OOOPS. Sorry about that. Just forget the last one then. Okay so now I have to pick seven of my wonderful bloggerittas to bestow this wonderful award on. This is not going to be easy. I would give it to Raised Queer, but she gave it to me, so go see her.
1. Bad Mommy Moments
She is so damn funny retelling crazy stories about her and her kids.
2. Bern This
Hilarious blog about life.
3. Wonderful World of Weiners
Go check out her weiners. They are long, hairy, and adorable.
4. The Bloggess
Who doesn't love her? She is hilarious.
5. Live For Today
Amazingly Amusing and just plain nice.
6. Manic Mommy
Inspiration to us all.
7. Hooked On Quack
Dry Humor...LOVE IT!
8. Mental Poo
Get ready to piss yourself...seriously.
9. Mommy Wants Vodka
Tears of Laughter
10. Short Pump Preppy
Love her. She has lots of great stuff on her site and she is lots of fun.
Okay so Beat It! Go check out all these awesome blogs I just told you about. Don't be telling everyone my secrets either. readmore »»
Oct 12, 2009
Oct 6, 2009
With Halloween only a few weeks away I thought I would take a look at what was out there for us thick ladies. Some of the things I found were a lot of fun and some of them, well...you will see.
*Warning: The following contents should not be viewed by anyone that may have a weak heart, psychological problems, or prone to night terrors.
Sep 30, 2009
Sep 28, 2009
Sep 25, 2009
Okay, I may be fat, but thank the good lord above that I do not have cankles.
Sep 22, 2009
My oldest son turned 12 years old on Sunday. He decided that he wanted a chocolate cake with strawberry frosting. Now before I continue, you need to promise not to make fun of my beautiful cake...keep in mind that I am NOT a baker. Promise?
Okay, so whatever! If you want to see a Martha Stewart cake then go to her website alright.
That's not the point of this story anyway. We were getting ready to sing Happy Birthday when...the phone rang. Okay, stop everything...it's Grandma. The cake can wait!
After an indeterminable amount of time, Back to the Cake!
Oh, But Wait! Something is different. What could it be?
No Momma, It wasn't me.
Then who could it be?
Was it you?
Not me. I don't eat cake.
Oh yes, I should have known...
HE HE HE. It was me all along.
As my 6 foot tall neanderthal of a husband went lumbering through the house after this sweet little devlish face, my oldest son yelled, "It's okay. He just wanted a little taste. I'll eat that piece." We all just laughed. readmore »»
Sep 21, 2009
Sep 18, 2009
I have finally made it to Etsy! I only have one thing posted right now, but I am working on other projects so stay tuned!
Sep 16, 2009
I have heard that sometimes pets look like their owners, but this chick really DOES look like her dog.
Sep 15, 2009
I was so sad when I heard that Patrick Swayze passed away. I will never forget the summer my sister and I watched Dirty Dancing every day, probably three times a day. We could recite that movie word for word. No matter what other roles I saw him in, he was always Johhny Castle to me.
Sep 13, 2009
I don't know how many of you have visited my website http://www.memoirsofafatchick.com or how many of you know my story, but I'm very excited to say that I got my first donation from a lovely lady named Mindy at Bluegrass Money Management, LLC. Thank You Mindy :)
You know there was a time in my life when I had just about given up on the human race. The town that I lived in was full of bitter, mean people and they almost took me down with them. I had a hard time making friends, because people were not at all friendly. This is a place where nice guys do finish last. I was born and raised there so it was hard for me to say goodbye, but I felt like I had to. I had to get out for the sake of my kids. So we moved and I don't regret it for a minute. People are so very nice here. I've made friends and my kids love it. I've gotta tell you since I joined the blogging world, it has really opened my eyes up to how generous people can be. It has renewed my faith in mankind.
Whether you help me out with a few bucks, respond to my silly posts, chat with me on twitter, or just read my blog and website....Thank You. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest hours. Just Thank You!
Sep 10, 2009
When I tell you this story you have to promise not to judge me.
Okay. So I have this fun little habit that I like to do and my husband tells me that it's creepy and someday I'll get arrested, but I don't think it's against the law. I have always been a people observer. I just find people interesting and I like to watch them. Well somewhere along the way I have developed this interesting thing that I do. Okay, Well...Alright! Well, you know at night when you are driving in your car and a house has it's lights on?...you know how if you look, you can see inside the house if their curtains are open? Well I like to look. Its fascinating to see what their house looks like on the inside. Is it Clean? Dirty? What kinds of decorations are hanging up? Do they have painted walls or wallpaper? (yes some people still use wallpaper).
Sep 8, 2009
I decided to go back to college and take a Literacy Add-On Program to enhance by Bachelor's degree. In order to qualify I needed to add a course so I decided to take a photography class. I have always loved taking pictures and I get so irritated with myself when I they do not come out. Well when I signed up they told me all I needed was a digital camera and I just so happen to hae one of those so I figured I was all set. Guess What? It's not the right kind. I need an SLR camera so after a little research I found the perfect one...
Isn't she beautiful? It's the Canon EOS Rebel XS18-55IS Kit...and it's all your for the low, low price of...wait for it....$549.88. Now if only I had that much money? readmore »»
Sep 3, 2009
Oh Please Santa! Pretty Please! I've Been So Good This Year!
Sep 1, 2009
Aug 31, 2009
Aug 30, 2009
Okay so I had this bright idea that I was going to make stuffed animals and sell them on Etsy. I'm trying to do whatever I can to make some extra cash since our situation is pretty dire. I had never done this before so I made a pig first and I will admit that it was not good enough to sell probably, but still...
Aug 27, 2009
Get a FREE Link to your website from Tweet- A- Prize. All you have to do is sign up, post their contests and VOILA! They will post a link to your site on their site. Cool Huh? Just Click the link or the cute little bird.
Aug 26, 2009
Listen...It's one thing to be living large, but it's a whole other ball game when you don't know that you are living large. Here are a couple helpful tips for you bodaciously beautiful ladies out there.
1. Thongs ~ Why bother wearing underwear?
2. Short Shorts ~ Is that Cottage Cheese all over her legs?
3.Tight Jeans ~ That's the largest camel toe I have ever seen.
4. Tank Tops ~ Holy Cow, She could fly with those arms.
5. Low Rider Jeans ~ Dunlap's Disease just gained a whole new meaning.
6. Half Shirts ~ Is that a muffin top?
7. Spandex ~ Are there midgets fighting in her pants?
8. Shirt without a bra ~ Ma'am your under arrest for concealing illegal weapons.
9.Stilettos ~ Those poor shoes...They should have a weight limit.
10. Bikini ~ Are they filming The Blob here?
Aug 25, 2009
I think I am obsessed with being obsessed. I hop from one obsession to the next like I'm playing hopscotch. My current obsession is this blog. I want to be a successful blogger, so I have been researching other peoples blogs and articles trying to gather tips. I just want to be successful at something. Right now I can't find a job to match my degree so I am trying to make money doing other things. Once I am done with this obsession though, I will be onto something else like sewing, scrapbooking, or photography...hopefully one of my obsessions will be successful.readmore »»
Aug 24, 2009
Ok, so I was reading this article called "Ten Things You Should Never Buy Used" it talked about all this electronic stuff and household items. There are a few things that came to mind while reading this that were not on the list so here is my version of
"10 Things You Should Never Buy Used"
2. Bathing Suit
I think I would buy a used computer part before I'd buy any of these items used.
Please remember that the brown spot on your upper right boob is NOT a blackhead. It is a mole and it belongs there!readmore »»
Aug 20, 2009
People are GIVING AWAY MONEY! FREE MONEY! I want some. This is actually a pretty cool article. "Putpockets" give a little extra cash.
Aug 19, 2009
I like to cry in the shower...
No one can hear me and it washes my tears away. I always feel better after a good cry and that's what I just did!
Aug 18, 2009
Better Late Than Never, but check this out! I thought it was cool and I'm definately doing it...What do you have to lose? readmore »»
I've had Grumpy since I was 6 years old. He is an original Care Bear and as you can tell he has seen better days. I love him though...he has gone every where with me since the day that I got him. He is the most educated well travelled bear you will ever see.
Now if we can just take care of his little peeping tom problem we will be okay...I wonder if he's been watching my husband and me.
Aug 16, 2009
I am an avid reader and like to read a lot of different genres. Since I have been keeping up with Karyn Bosnak's website http://prettyinthecity.blogspot.com/ I have just fallen in love with her...I know better late than never right. So I decided that I just have to have to her books. I tried to reason that this was a definite need, but my husband insists that it is a want. What do you think?
Aug 15, 2009
Okay so I have decided to Promote my Fat Chick Fund. I've got a little something for everyone that decides to be generous enough to donate some money to MY Fat Chick Fund. Okay are you ready? Wait for it....
Yes! That's right people...for every dollar you donate you wil get a Fat Chick Buck in return. You might ask, What are they good for? Well let me tell you. They are good for a laugh, stick them in a birthday card, give them to a friend that is having a bad day, use them for monopoly money, throw them all over your bed and roll in them...okay that might be stretching it. I think you get my point though. The first person to donate get's an extra $5.00 Fat Chick Bucks, if you donate more than $20, you'll get a special one of a kind $100 Fat Chick Buck. Who can resist that?
Aug 14, 2009
Eli Braden e-mailed this video to me today and it is just what I needed to get myself out of the slump. It's hilarious.
If you want to see more of his work go to http://www.funnyordie.com/elibraden readmore »»
Okay I need to let this all out so that I will feel better. I'm gonna have a Pity Party. My frigging air conditioner is broken and it is hotter than hell.WHY did I move to NC from NY? I think I'll take my lawn chair and go sit in the freezer section at Bi- Lo...why not? It worked for them on Married With Children, LOL. I'm dirt ass poor and have only been eating once a day to make food last as long as possible...so this fat chick is gonna be a skinny chick before long...Maybe that's a good thing. School starts on Aug. 25th. I still have no job and my kids have no sneakers, clothes, or supplies to start the year. If I do not come up with $2000 right quick I am going to be living in my car. Of course, that will be temporary, because they are going to take that for non payment. Karyn Bosnak says "Add it Up" and she's right but I'm already in the a black hole of depression...that just might make me jump! I will do it, I just need a bottle of Vodka and a joint...ha ha. Why did I go to college? Oh that's right to get a degree and make a better life for myself. HMMMM. How's that working out? Okay Okay. I'm done. Pity Party Over!readmore »»
Aug 13, 2009
Okay so I think that the Prize Patrol got lost trying to find my house, but I have another opportunity next month, so who knows :)
When my youngest boy was around 2 years old he use to stick his feet in my face and say smell em' Well At some point I did and said jokingly, "EW they smell like pickles." So from that point on he called his toes pickles. Now everytime we we are playing he says "Momma, smell my pickles!" Kids say the funniest things...
Okay so today is the day that Publishers Clearing House said they might come to my house...Someone in my area with my initials is gonna win! I'm sitting here waiting for them. I know this is the answer to my prayers. LOL
Aug 11, 2009
With my birthday just a week away and no money to spend, I have been taking a closer look at things that I want VS things that I need. I have decided to dedicate part of my blog to these difficult decisions. Sometimes it's hard to separate the two. Like I just got back from my youngest son's football practice and I got soaked...I look like Boog off Open Season when he ends up in the river. Football season is a long season and it rains all the time here. I feel that I really need an umbrella. I know that some would argue, but I can't afford to go the doctor's if I get sick so I'd rather get the umbrella. I'm not sure if I will actually break down and buy one, because I can always thinnk of better ways to use the money, but I'm gonna mark this one down as a need.
Laugh Factor ~ Today is laundry day so when I got dressed I ended up with a black bra and pink shirt. I was okay with the, because who would know? You couldn't see through my pink shirt until it started to pore at football practice...Yes I was the fat chick in the black bra and wet pink t-shirt. Of course if I was a size 3 it would have been considered sexy. Instead 5 year olds and probably some adults are gonna have nightmares tonight.