This blog is dedicated to all the fat chicks out there that get counted out, because of their weight. I want to share my advice, experiences, ups, downs, awesome websites, special deals, and anything else that pops into my mind. Most importantly I hope I can make you laugh. Everybody needs to laugh :0D

Sep 22, 2010

THE GYNO!!!!!!!


I have three letters for you: I U D. Let me tell you a little story about my crazy life. About 5 years ago after I had my youngest son the doctor told me "Mrs. Grace, NO MORE BABIES!" and I said "WHATEVER!" (I may have slightly been in denial) I decided to let the doctor talk me into getting an IUD. After all, it was safer than the pill and as soon as she said, "NO PERIOD" I said, "SIGN ME UP!" I would like to say that is the end of my happy little story, but NO that would not be my life. it is now time to have this little sucker removed and "HELL YEAH, I want another one put in." No period for 5 years has been heaven. So here is my journey:


Visit 1:
1st Doctor: "Mrs. Grace. I can not seem to find the strings. I am going to have to send you to another doctor that is more equipped to get it out."

Me: "MMMM.......Okay."


Visit 2:
2nd Doctor: "Oh I am sorry Mrs. Grace. I thought someone told you that we have to order the replacement IUD first. Since you are here though let me see if you I can find it...hmmmm I can not seem to see the strings. Let's get an ultrasound and make sure it's still in place. (3 hours and 20 ultrasound pictures later) Yep it's still there."

By the way they did an internal ultrasound --- it looks like a giant dildo with a condom on it.

Me: "I didn't get this many pictures when I had my boys." After I got home I told the husband, "Well Honey, You are gonna be a dad! (showed him the pictures) Let's call him Mr. T."


Visit 3:

3rd Doctor: "Well Mrs. Grace, I do not normally take an IUD out and put another one in on the same visit, because insurance does not cover it. I see that you have been here a few times though."

Me: "REALLY, Well no one told me that. That really sucks."

 3rd Doctor: "Let me just check and see if I can find it. I'll try to remove it today and then you can come back and have another one put in." (After 3 great attempts) "I just can't get a hold of it and I do not want to put you through anymore pain. I will have you come back and we will try on the ultrasound so I can see what I am doing."

Me: "Wonderful! I can't wait!"


Visit 4:

3rd Doctor: "Okay so I am going to go in while you are on the ultrasound and hopefully we can get a hold of it and pull it out. You have been through so much that I will go ahead and put the other one in during this visit."

Me: "Gee Thanks! Are you good at video games? If you are good at video games then you should be able to get this."

3rd Doctor: "I'm sorry Mrs. Grace, I will have to go in with a camera and remove it. I can not seem to find the strings."

Me: "WTF! Fine!"


 3rd Doctor: "After all of this do you still want me to put the other one in?"

Me: "SHIT YEAH! 5 years without a period. You have no idea."

I have had more things stuck in me than a prostitute on Valentine's Day.  I have come to a conclusion though and think that this would look good on a t-shirt or billboard:


Nobody squeezes harder
or reaches deeper.


Supermom said...

All I can is O.M.G.

Did you go ahead and let them put in the new one????

Chickie said...

Holy crap, batman! I guess a few days of annoyance would outweigh 5 years of not periods though!

hockey_mum said...

Oh that is horrible! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.

I am so scared at the thought that my time is coming up soon to get it removed. Question: truthfully, did it hurt massively bad? For some reason the thought of it absolutely terrifies me. Especially, if they can't find the thing.

Anyways, just found your blog from you commenting on mine. I will definitely be reading yours because you made me laugh and I so need that!! Thanks!

Jenn said...

I don't mean to laugh at your pain but that would make an awesome t-shirt. I'd wear it! Good luck with the next IUD visit 5 years from now! ;D

lisaschaos said...

That so does not sounds like fun! I'm a little amazed that you let them put the next one in. lol

Grace Matthews said...

hockey_mum: Are you sure you want me to tell you the truth? Well...I have a high tolerance for pain, but if you have any 500mg pain killers laying around, it wouldn't hurt to take a few with a sht of your favorite alcohol.(pun intended). Really I wouldn't worry about it unless they start off with: "Mrs. hockey_mum, I can not seem to find the strings."

Melissa B. said...

PreCISEly the reason Mr. Fairway had a vasectomy!

bernthis said...

I gotta say, 5 years of no period, I'd have held out too. Although, I'm getting to a stage where I won't need anything to make that happen. FUCK!!!


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