I Miss My Old Self!!!

My hysterical 6 year old sat on the couch with a serious, sad face and said,

Son: "Mommy, I miss my old self."

It was all I could do not to laugh...this was a serious moment after all.

Me: "Well, which old self is that?" (after all he is only 6 years old)

Son: "The self that I was back when I was 5."

Me: "Well, Honey that was a long time ago and people change. Why do you feel that way?"

Son: "I was a better kid then."

Me: "I think you are pretty great right now."

Son: "Yeah I am, but I was better then."

Me: "Oh, I love you  bean." (Yeah I call him bean, not really sure why).

This got me to thinking. You know this is a serious thought for such a little man to have. Between my laughter, I actually, kind of, felt sorry for him. I often feel like I miss my old self. Back when I was 5, well maybe not that young, but before I lost my virginity...he was a real asshole. Gosh, the things I could change, but then I started thinking about that movie Click and got scared. I might have actually ended up successful had I done things differently and then I couldn't enjoy my trailer park life now. That would be tragic! Okay my life isn't that bad...but I do wonder sometimes.

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I'm not good at ANYTHING!

            Well I am good at something, but that's not the point of this post. SITS is giving away a camera so you know I am all up in that. They want me to share something that I have created for Halloween. Well I can't really share a baked good, since the last time I cooked, I burnt fish sticks. (No they were not home made...they were frozen) Yeah okay...you can stop laughing now. So I guess that leaves crafts...mmmm...well, I don't own a sewing machine for a reason. I would probably sew my boob to something. I did sew a stuffed animal by hand once, but that was a rabbit that couldn't keep it's legs closed ;)
           Okay so are you ready for what I came up with? Are you sure? You ARE ready? Okay well here it goes...this is brilliant, so feel free to steal the idea. (God knows I did). Okay, well....her it is:



Do you know what it is? Here is a hint: You can eat it.


Wow! I can't believe you guessed it so fast. You are right...
It's a Lollipop Ghost. Pretty crafty huh? I know, I know...it's hard being me.

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Halloween Long Ago!

With the ending of another Halloween, trick or treating, craziness I long for the Halloweens of long ago. That and I want to win a camera from SITS who just happens to offer the best blogging tips ever, by the way Tiffany is Pretty (you'll have to go to their site to understand my randomness).

              It's a cold rainy night, but I can feel the excitement rise up in my back. I love going Trick or Treating, I just wished everybody could see my Strawberry Shortcake costume that my mom made for me. It's awesome, but I have to wear this winter jacket or I'll freeze. I guess I'll just have to open it every time I get to the door. They just have to see it.
              My aunt pulls up in her van and my sister, mother, and I all hop in. This is going to be awesome...I can't believe how much candy I am going to get. My aunt slowly drives house to house as we hop out and run to the door, "Trick or Treat." Wow! A snickers bar...I love them, they are so nummy. "I really like going to this house." This goes on for a couple hours with us jumping out and back in with our new candy treasures. Then mom asks us the question we have been waiting for, "Do you want to stop at grandma's?"
"Well YES mom! She's gives us the best, most tastiest, popcorn balls ever!." You see she makes hers with molasses, not carmel. They are my favorite. We pull up out front of grandma's house and we don't even wait for the van to come to a complete stop before we whip open the door and run to grandma. She picks on us, "Well who do we have here? Do I know you? Well of course I do. I didn't recognize you in your costumes. Come in so i can get you a special treat." I love the way grandma's house smells. It always smells like she is baking, whether she is or not. Her popcorn balls are the only thing we are allowed to eat before we go home so daddy can "check" our candy. She gives us one to eat right away and one for the road. "I love you grandma."
            It's time to head back home with a pumpkin so full that we had to empty it into a paper bag half way through the night. My dad is waiting for us so he can do the most important thing  before we eat any candy. He needs to check it to make sure it's safe. I love my daddy, he always takes the "unsafe" candy and eats it so that we can't get sick :)

I love Halloween.

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Meet Mr. Awesome!

I know you must be dieing to meet the man behind the mystery, the one who makes us all laugh until we have "happy tears", the one that drives me crazy! So here he is....

Don't let his cuteness fool you. There is a mastermind behind that little face.

I think you can see why I laugh at him so much when he says the craziest things :)

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I DID IT!!!!! I Really Did It!

I started another website. Don't get your panties in a bunch I am still keeping this one, because let's face it...I need a place where I can swear, rant, rave, and embarrass my children. Plus I like all my blogger friends that I have found through this blog. If you like me when I am this bad then you'll love me on my other site. I just started it so don't get all judgemental when you check it out. It's a work in progress and I still have some content to add. Oh you want to know what kind of site it is, well it's the best kind...a giveaway site. Why? Because as hard as it is for you all to believe I am quite opinionated...yeah I know it's a shock, but we'll get through it together. I like giving people reviews on products and just about anything else. I pretty much have an opinion about everything. So go check it out and love me more...

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Step Dad?

My six year old son is a laugh a minute. I have no idea where he gets his ideas from or his vocabulary. This is a conversation we had this past week.

Son: "Mom, I want Coach Jason to be my step dad."

Me: (Look at my husband and snicker) "Well okay...Do you know what would have to happen in order for that to happen?"

Son: Looks at me like he's ready to drop a turd.

Me: "I would have to divorce daddy and marry Coach Jason."

Son: "Okay"

Me: (roll eyes and laugh, drop subject)

Next Day,

Son: "Mom I really want Coach Jason to be my step dad."

Me: "Sweetheart, that means Riley ( Coach Jason's son who just happens to be in the same class) would be your brother."

Son: "SWEET! Would Spencer still be my brother?"

Me: "Yes, Spencer will always be your brother."

Son: "That means (BIG SMILE) my last name would be Dunlap."

Me: "Well what would Riley's mom and daddy do? They would be all alone and lonely."

Son: "They could marry each other."

Me: "Well, I'm glad we got that settled."

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We DON"T Do Cards

                     Ten years and two weeks ago today we buried my best friend. I can't believe it has been that long. WOW! I still miss you daddy like it was yesterday. (yes I call him daddy and I am a grown woman...F@#* you for judging me.) There are so many things I would love to share with you. I love you.
                 
                     Ten years ago today I married my new best friend. Yes your math is right. I got married two weeks after my father died. My dad always knew what was best for me and he made me promise the wedding would still happen. I can still hear my mother saying, "You promised your father." I didn't know at the time that my husband would turn into my best friend. I didn't think I needed one, because I always had my daddy. Well here I sit ten years later thankful that he came in to my life when he did.
           
                      If you know my husband(which you don't) you would know that he is not good at expressing feelings and he is never mushy. I can never remember him giving me a card for any occasion. He has always said that they are too expensive and he doesn't want to waste the money on them when he can put the money towards a gift. I have always been okay with that and after about five years I stopped buying cards too. (okay so maybe it took me awhile to adjust)As you all know we are poor right now due to me being out of work. Can you imagine my surprise when I sent to the bathroom at 4 a.m. this morning and there sat a rose bush and.... you guessed it! A card. You say, "So f#@$*&^ what?" and I say, "Go to hell." But we don't do cards! Let me tell you something, this was the sweetest gesture he could have made. The card was not real mushy, but it made the statement that he has such a hard time expressing himself. He told me he ADORED me. That's right, read em' and weep. Are you jealous? You should be. So many men love their wives, but how many ADORE them. Oh yes, I'm lucky. I know what you are thinking...How can anyone adore you? Well let me just say that I am adorable (oops I just made a funny) Yes not so little me is actually on the receiving end of adoration. Can life get any better than this? (well yes if I was working, but let's not ruin the moment).

I Love You Baby!!!!

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Follow Me Tuesday

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Grammy

So my mother, sister, and brother came for a visit. That was uneventful and fun, no one got hurt :)

My youngest son loves to play games so he talked them into playing Buzz Mega Quiz:

This game Rocks! Especially if you want to show your kids that you ARE smarter than them.

My mother, two sons, and sister (who is not too smart) all decided to play. My mother of course knew most of the answers, but is not quick enough so she was struggling a bit until this question came up:

The award given to a musical artist for selling a lot of records.

Then it gave them four choices to pick from and my mother is the ONLY one that got it right!

GRAMMY

My youngest son looked at her and said:

"Well of course you got it right, because you ARE a Grammy!"

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Well thank you to a few of my awesome blogger friends for such great advice. Jannie Funster over at http://www.janniefunster.com/ and Michelle over at http://grownupgirlie.blogspot.com/ gave me a few websites that I could check out and Queenie Jeannie http://happy-jeannie.blogspot.com/ suggested I start an Etsy shop which I just might do if I can figure out how to make anything. If any of you have any other ideas that would be awesome. Prostitution is not an option...I already thought about that.

My next thought is: Should I start a separate blog that has more of a focus? What are some good blog topics? Should I get rid of this blog? I could keep both or just turn this blog into something besides my rantings about my pathetic life. What do you all think? (WOW! I almost sounded southern there for a minute)

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The shower smiles in a politician.

Don't ask...I'll explain later.

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$$$ Money $$$

As most of you know I lost my job earlier this year. This leaves me homebound and hating life. I AM NOT A HOUSEWIFE!!!! I am currently looking for a job, but the job market isn't all rainbows and sunshine right now.I started this blog out of boredom and for the fun of it. I really enjoy doing it, but I need to figure out how to turn some of this fun into income. So I need your help. I need to find a way to make some money working from home.  What I need from you is your ideas. Now I want some legitimate ideas, not those get rich quick scams. I do not mind working at something if it is worth it and going to be profitable. My main goal is to be able to make $1000 a month, so I can at least pay the mortgage on our house. So any of you awesomely talented people out there that can throw me an idea or two would be greatly appreciated.

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Love to Hate

I would hate you IF I didn't love you so much.

WHY do you always drink out of the milk jug and then leave it somewhere for me to find?

WHY do you always throw my pillow on the floor and never pick it back up?

WHY do you take your nasty smelly socks off and leave them in a ball?

WHY do you trim your nose hairs and leave them in the bathroom sink?

WHY do you refuse to order your own fries and then eat mine?

WHY do you always want sex when I don't?

WHY do you refuse to do what I ask until I turn into Super Bitch?

WHY do you look at me like I don't have the right to be Super Bitch?

WHY do you act like YOUR birthday is the most important day of the year?

WHY do you take my car and leave the gas tank on empty?

WOW there are so many whys I could go all day, but I think this last one sums it up...

WHY do you have to be such a

fucktard?

I never understood the saying, "There is fine line between love and hate." I think I have a pretty good handle on it now though. I would really frickin' hate you IF I didn't love you sooooo much!

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THE GYNO!!!!!!!

I have three letters for you: I U D. Let me tell you a little story about my crazy life. About 5 years ago after I had my youngest son the doctor told me "Mrs. Grace, NO MORE BABIES!" and I said "WHATEVER!" (I may have slightly been in denial) I decided to let the doctor talk me into getting an IUD. After all, it was safer than the pill and as soon as she said, "NO PERIOD" I said, "SIGN ME UP!" I would like to say that is the end of my happy little story, but NO that would not be my life. it is now time to have this little sucker removed and "HELL YEAH, I want another one put in." No period for 5 years has been heaven. So here is my journey:
                            

                                                                  

Visit 1:
1st Doctor: "Mrs. Grace. I can not seem to find the strings. I am going to have to send you to another doctor that is more equipped to get it out."

Me: "MMMM.......Okay."

                                                                   

Visit 2:
2nd Doctor: "Oh I am sorry Mrs. Grace. I thought someone told you that we have to order the replacement IUD first. Since you are here though let me see if you I can find it...hmmmm I can not seem to see the strings. Let's get an ultrasound and make sure it's still in place. (3 hours and 20 ultrasound pictures later) Yep it's still there."

By the way they did an internal ultrasound --- it looks like a giant dildo with a condom on it.

Me: "I didn't get this many pictures when I had my boys." After I got home I told the husband, "Well Honey, You are gonna be a dad! (showed him the pictures) Let's call him Mr. T."


                                                                                   


Visit 3:

3rd Doctor: "Well Mrs. Grace, I do not normally take an IUD out and put another one in on the same visit, because insurance does not cover it. I see that you have been here a few times though."

Me: "REALLY, Well no one told me that. That really sucks."
                                                               



 3rd Doctor: "Let me just check and see if I can find it. I'll try to remove it today and then you can come back and have another one put in." (After 3 great attempts) "I just can't get a hold of it and I do not want to put you through anymore pain. I will have you come back and we will try on the ultrasound so I can see what I am doing."

Me: "Wonderful! I can't wait!"

                                                                       

Visit 4:

3rd Doctor: "Okay so I am going to go in while you are on the ultrasound and hopefully we can get a hold of it and pull it out. You have been through so much that I will go ahead and put the other one in during this visit."

Me: "Gee Thanks! Are you good at video games? If you are good at video games then you should be able to get this."
          
                                                                

3rd Doctor: "I'm sorry Mrs. Grace, I will have to go in with a camera and remove it. I can not seem to find the strings."

Me: "WTF! Fine!"

                                                            

 3rd Doctor: "After all of this do you still want me to put the other one in?"

Me: "SHIT YEAH! 5 years without a period. You have no idea."


I have had more things stuck in me than a prostitute on Valentine's Day.  I have come to a conclusion though and think that this would look good on a t-shirt or billboard:

THE GYNO:

Nobody squeezes harder

or reaches deeper.

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I'M BACK AND I'M STILL FAT!!!!!!!

I know I skipped out on all of you and I am so sorry. I would like to say that my life has been awesomely busy that I just haven't had time for blogging, but I think we all know that would be big fat lie (no pun intended). I have missed you all in my attempt to jump back into Corporate America. Long story short ---- it chewed me up and spit me out. I forgot how political everything is. As my daddy always use to say, "It's not who you know, but who you blow." Needless to say my husband wouldn't let me share my awesome talents, so I am jobless yet again :o(    I am sitting her wondering what stay ay home moms do? I am so not a house cleaner...WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I don't really know, but I guess I'll have to figure it out. I am looking forward to chatting will all of you....I've so missed my blogger friends.

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