It Wasn't Meant To Be

Okay so I'm gonna feel sorry for myself for a few minutes and since no one reads this anyway I think it's okay. Since I was a young girl I always felt that I was meant for more. I always wanted more out of life. I just knew that I would be different. I made some bad choices and took some wrong turns along the way, but I've still always felt that there was something more for me. I got my college degree and my family and I moved here, because there were suppose to be jobs...yeah I know what you are thinking. All I ever wanted to do is teach. I landed in this job as a substitute and ended up taking over the position, because the teacher did not come back. I thought this is it...this is my time. Well guess what? Budget cuts! I do not have a job to go to this coming up year. So I sit here and try to find ways to make money so I can take care of my kids and pay my bills. My husband works 70 hours a week making crappy pay and doesn't bring hme enough to support us. For me to get a job, it would have to be full time and above minimum wage, because I have to pay a sitter. So by the time I pay the sitter I'm actually losing money. So I had this bright idea to write a children's book and I did, but guess what? You need money to illustrate and publish it. Not to mention it would take a small miracle for someone to publish it...there are a thousand people just like me out there. Then I thought that I would start a blog and create some product. I could make some people laugh and sell some of my things. Why not? Karyn Bosnak started a website and people just gave her money? What makes her so different from me? I'm not asking for hand outs. Don't get me wrong I totally love Karyn Bosnak and think she is great, but I have to ask...What about me? I can't even get someone to read this dang blog let alone buy anything from me. Even though I only make a few dollars per sale. I've tried so many different on-line jobs, I've made stuffed animals, sold stuff in e-bay, wrote this stinking blog, and for what? I just think that maybe it's just not meant to be for me. Maybe all these years that I've felt that way, I have been diluding myself. It just wasn't meant to be. I was meant to be a failure in every aspect of my life. I completed college and now I am in debt past my eyeballs with no job. It's depressing. I worry about my kids. As a parent you want them to have everything and I can give them nothing. They say money isn't everything...well rich people say that. It's not everything to them, because they have it. Honestly being able to financially support family is the only thing missing from my life, so money is happiness. I'm gonna lose my house, my car, and who knows what else.


It just wasn't meant to be!