WHATEVER!!!!!

Conversation with my 5 year old:


5 Year Old: Momma, Will you watch a movie with me? [blink blink]

Me: Of course I will baby. What would you like to watch?

5 Year Old: Curious George

Me: Okay Pumpkin. Do you want to lay here with Momma and cuddle?

5 Year Old: Ummmm.....NO.

Me: You don't wanna lay here with me? [blink blink]

5 Year Old: Nnnno

Me: Oh. Okay [sniff]

Apparently batting your eyes does not work the other way around.

______________________________________________

Conversation with my 12 year old:

11 Year Old: Mom I have to write an essay.

Me: Oh yeah. What about?

11 Year Old: I have to write about someone who has influenced me.

Me: Oh Really? [ears perk]

11 Year Old: What does that really mean?

Me: Well, Who has taught you right from wrong? Who has taught you to do the right thing? [smile]

11 Year Old: Oh, Okay. That's easy.

Time passes

11 Year Old: Mom would you read this.

Me: Of course [sit up straight]

I got all excited getting ready to read how wonderful I am and much I have influenced my beautiful boy. It went something like this:

Many people have influenced me in my life. One person has influenced me a lot. They have taught me right from wrong. They taught me to be a good person and a good friend to people. They taught me to love my family. They taught me how to make good decisions and work hard. My dad has influenced me the most in my life.

STOP! What? [choke] Who? Huh? ...DAD?

What the HELL?

[Okay you are a grown up...just keep reading and breathing.]

I finished the essay and told my wonderful son how wonderful his essay was.

______________________________________________

When the hell did this happen?

Why the hell did this happen?

WHEN did my boys stop thinking I was perfect?

WHEN did my little 5 year old stop needing to cuddle with me during a movie?

WHEN did my 11 year old switch sides? I mean..ehum...

WHEN did my 11 year old stop thinking that I was the most awesome person in the world?

More importantly...

WHEN did my 11 year old start thinking his father was the most awesome person in the world?

WHEN did this happen?

WHY didn't anyone tell me?

WHAT am I going to do about it?

WHO does he think he is?

WHERE should I hide the body? [just kidding]

HOW am I going to change this?

HOW could I let this happen?

Something must be done. Something HAS to be done. But WHAT?

Well...

I could keep it a little colder in the house so the 5 year old will want to cuddle for warmth. Then...

I could tell my 11 year old that his father is really one of the bad guys from Transformers.

WHAT? Oh your right, he probably won't believe that.

I will tell him his father is mean to babies and old people. (No one likes people like that)

I can not believe how painful this is. Seriously, when did my boys stop needing me? Everybody told me, "Be happy you have boys. Boys are soooo much easier." WHATEVER! All boys do is break your heart! This is exactly why women are always in love with men that do not want them. As mothers, we are forced to love our boys unconditionally, even when they think they no longer need us. They can break our hearts, make us cry, and forget we exist...we still love them.

Sometimes I wished we were animals that ate our young...they seem to have it together.

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I Feel Better!

Dear EX Friend,

         First of all we have only been friends for like ten minutes you creepy bitch.  You should really come with a warning label. It is not cool for someone your age to be so clingy. Go home and fuck your husband HARD! You obviously did not get enough attention when you were a kid...that's why crack addicts should NOT have children. It is NOT cool to call me every ten minutes to see what I am doing. Who the fuck gave you my number anyways? OMG if you say one more thing about your "holier than thou" husband I will slit your wrists...not mine, because I like me too much. He use to be the biggest drug dealer this town has ever seen and you were his crack whore so explain to me again why you two are better than everyone else? Oh that's right you were saved and the rest of us are all going to HELL! Well guess what? As long as you are not there, It'll be heaven to me. You are a fucking FREAK! You wonder why you have no friends and people scatter when they see you coming....hmmm let me guess. Is it because you talk about yourself non-stop? Is it because you are a hypocrit? Is it because you suck the life out of everyone you come within a five mile radius of? Oh No, I got it...Maybe it's because you stab people in the back and  then try to be their friends? No that's not it. You stand there all high and mighty sucking on your cigarette like your giving a blow job. Who fucking taught you to smoke anyway? You are suppose to inhale. BTW. You look fucking stupid! Maybe instead of praying for me you should be praying for a fucking brain. Oh, I sound ignorant when I say the "f" word? Well FUCK YOU!

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I'm Constipated!

Well actually, that's not true. I really have a case of the hershey squirts right now.

A-N-Y-W-A-Y!

This past week has been filled with uttered mispoken words, compliments of my 5 year old.

On our way to his football game last weekend:

Me: Are you ready for the game?

Son: [crickets]

Me: Well are you ready? Are you going to hit hard?

Son: [blank stare]

Me: Okay...he's off in  Na Na Land.

Son: Mom, I'm constipated!

Me: HUH? Constipated! [giggle]

Son: Mom! I can't think.

Me: Oh you mean concentrating?

Taking notes Tuesday night for an online class:

Son: Mom I can write.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: Mom I know what those letters are.

Me: [ignoring]

Son: (pointing) That word is the, that word is can...

Me: [eye roll] Yes honey, I know you know those words.

Son: Mom can I write that for you?

 Me: No honey, you can't.

Son: I can write, mom.

Me: I know you can honey, but you have to write sentences.

Son: I know how to do that. I know a period, exclamation point, question mark, quotation marks, and

Q-U-O-M-A-S.

Me: [giggle] Well that settles it then.

                                                    

Watching wrestling Thursday night...(don't judge me)

My son does this thing when he gets excited. (NO not that! Get your minds out of the gutter...he's only 5)

He clasps his hands together and tightens up all his muscles. Like he is so happy that he's afraid to let it all out. Well he did this Thursday night, so...

Me: Why do you do that?

Son: Because I'm allergic.

Me: Allergic?

Son: Yeah

Me: [giggle] Oh...okay.

My oldest son loves Ramen noodles. So Saturday after he ate the noodles, he gave the cat his "noodle juice" as he calls it. (Yes I know...I laughed too)

Me: Don't give the cat your noodle juice. It'll make him sick.

Oldest Son: No it won't mom

Youngest Son: You gave the cat your noodle juice? You are a serial killer.

Oldest Son: Huh?

Me: Huh?

Youngest Son: I want some Rabbit noodles too!

Me: ummm...Okay.

My youngest son likes to go to the bathroom with the door open. Last night he was in the bathroom and my husband was making dinner.

Me: Hon, whatcha making?

Son: I'm making a turd mom.

Me: Sounds Good!

This is what my everyday life is like. My 5 year old cracks me up, without even knowing it.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD! 

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Happy Anniversary

Nine years ago today at this very moment I was standing in my kitchen in my cute bra and matching lace panties making coffee. I was looking hot! This would have been a real zen moment had the the freaky stalker guy not stopped his car in front of the bay window and stared at me. It didn't matter to me though, I was blissfully happy as I raised my right hand, smiled, and waved. Nothing could bring me down, not today, because today I became a Mrs. Somebody. I finally did it, I trapped him. He'll never get rid of me now :0} Poor bastard didn't know that he was signing up for an eternity of mind altering, hot, steamy sex. Oh wait, maybe he did know. So my boo came home from work in the middle of the night all ready for one of those mind altering moments ready to go...if you get my drift.

Me? sniff, cough, cough, ohhhhhh...not feeling so good. Oh yeah...the eldest came home last Friday with it and the youngest has had it for the past two days, so of course I am obligated to get it too. I'm so frickin' pissed!

But you know me, being the addict that I am...a cold never stopped anybody from gettin' their fix.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BOO!

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I Do Declare!

My Very First Award! [blush...giggle]

I got this from a fabulous lady over at Raised Queer you simply must go over and check her out

 RIGHT NOW.

Do not wait any longer...you are waisting valuable laughter.

Here's the dealeo on what to do if you find yourself the recipient of this award:

1. You must brag about the award.

2. You must include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.

3. You must choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.

5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.

........then pass it on with the instructions!

Okay Got It? Good

Okay onto what you nosy people really wanna know....hmmm.....let's see, what do you really wanna know? Besides everything? [smirk]

1. I sleep in the fetal position. Hey don't laugh...it makes me feel safe.

2. Sometimes...I make my kids sing everything they say...I do it too...it's fun.

3. I love to sleep buck naked with my husbands penis in between my butt cheeks...Have you ever tried it? Well lay off then. It feels good! (TMI? mmm....maybe, but it is something you didn't know).

4. I still have my first teddy bear...and yes when I feel bad I still sleep with him. He likes it! LOL

5. I am secretly (well I guess not anymore) in love with Dr. Phil. I know, I know,  right...I can't explain it either. There is just something about that man.

6. I have written two awesome children's books. They are awesome too...not just because I wrote them, but because, well...I wrote them. I just need a publisher.

7. I think Angelina Jolie is the hottest chick in the world and I would definately leave my husband for her. (No I am not gay, but for her I would be).

8. I love taking one of those big dill pickles and dipping it in peanut butter. (even when I'm not pregnant and no I'm not pregnant)

9. I am terrified of mice no matter what size they are, that is why I have 8 cats. Yes terrified, I mean dead or alive I will be on the kitchen table or the highest point in the house until it is gone. Okay ... whatever, it's okay...you go head and laugh. I know you are afraid of something too so :P ( that is me sticking my tongue out at you, yes you, so there)

10. I have a Mr. Peanut tattoo on my right ankle. Why you ask? Well that's a story for another day.

11. I like butt sex...OOOOOOHHHHH YEAH BABY! There I said it! I don't care. Don't you judge me. You don't know...you just don't know...it's...mmmm....yeah.

Oh I guess I gave you eleven secrets huh? OOOPS. Sorry about that. Just forget the last one then. Okay so now I have to pick seven of my wonderful bloggerittas to bestow this wonderful award on. This is not going to be easy. I would give it to Raised Queer, but she gave it to me, so go see her.

1. Bad Mommy Moments
She is so damn funny retelling crazy stories about her and her kids. 

2.  Bern This
Hilarious blog about life.

3. Wonderful World of Weiners
Go check out her weiners. They are long, hairy, and adorable.

4. The Bloggess
Who doesn't love her? She is hilarious.

5. Live For Today
Amazingly Amusing  and just plain nice.

6. Manic Mommy
Inspiration to us all.

7. Hooked On Quack
Dry Humor...LOVE IT!

8. Mental Poo
Get ready to piss yourself...seriously.

9. Mommy Wants Vodka
Tears of Laughter

10. Short Pump Preppy
Love her. She has lots of great stuff on her site and she is lots of fun.

Okay so Beat It! Go check out all these awesome blogs I just told you about. Don't be telling everyone my secrets either.

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Oz Yourself

This is hilarious. I have always loved Wizard of Oz and now I can be in it!

Get ready to piss yourself!

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Plus Size Halloween Costumes

With Halloween only a few weeks away I thought I would take a look at what was out there for us thick ladies. Some of the things I found were a lot of fun and some of them, well...you will see.

*Warning: The following contents should not be viewed by anyone that may have a weak heart, psychological problems, or prone to night terrors.

I love this one. What woman doesn't want to be Queen?

Queen of Hearts

How innocent. I thought my husband could be the Big Bad Wolf so then he could try to eat me :)

Little Red Riding Hood

There is something about a chick in uniform! This is HOT!

Police Officer

Handcuffs

OR

Let Me Take Your Temperature?

Nurse

Go Green!

Forest Nympho ...um I mean Nymph

Plus Size?

She doesn't look Plus Size to me.

Fire Fighter

For me and the Mr.

Outlet and Plug

For just the Mr  ;0)

Sexy Pin Up Girl

I'm thinking it wouldn't be too cool to wear this in public...

There are some things that Fat Chicks just shouldn't do.

These are my random finds for Halloween Costumes. Love 'em or hate 'em they do make 'em.

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Kitty Wigs!

I know you are probably thinking the same thing that I did when I first heard the term...Kitty Wigs.

Some crazy old lady is sitting at home and dressing her cat up like an antique porcelain doll, until the cat runs like hell and jumps in front of the first passing car.

I have to admit though that I am kind of digging the blue one.

I guess it makes the kitties feel special :)

                              

                               

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

 The Cat Walk?

I"m too sexy for my wig, too sexy for my wig

I wanna do a little jig.

I'm a model you know what I mean and

I shake my little tush on the cat walk.

On the Cat Walk Yeah!

Okay so that was fun, A-N-Y-W-A-Y

while perusing this idea I found 

Doggy Wigs 

Oh Yeah!

Check it Out!

This wig would look totally fab on my buddy Scorpion!

He thinks the bitches dig him now, wait til he throws one of these babies on.

He won't be able to fight them off !

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My Hero!

I have chosen Crystal Renn as my new hero!

She's HOT, SEXY, and Best Of ALL

PLUS-SIZE!

She is a model that fought against the stereotypes of rail thin models.

Read the full story here http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/27/fashion-health-and-wellbeing

I'm definately getting her book!

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Cankles?

Okay, I may be fat, but thank the good lord above that I do not have cankles.

"Cankles" by definition is a combination of the words "calf" and "ankles." If you can't tell where your calf stops and your ankle starts, you may have cankles.

If you are one of the elite that have been plagued with cankles, then I am truly sorry. You were probably an evil person in your past life. Live better this time around and maybe next time you'll get lucky ;0)

There is still hope, there are a few things that you can do to rid your life of cankles:

1. Cut your feet off

2. Get a pet elephant - they have them too and you will good standing next to them (in most cases)

3. Wrap them in gauze and tell everyone you were in a freak accident

4. Wear spandex -- then everyone will be staring at you, but not because of your cankles

5. Get tattoos on them --everything looks better painted

6. Wear boots --even to the beach

7. Bring slouch socks back in style

8. Tell everyone that it's an allergic reaction

9. Walk on your hands

10. Buy anklets (well necklaces) --then when people stare you can ask them if they like your ummm...anklet.

See, so don't get all depressed about it. There are lots of things you can do. I guess there are worse things in life...you could have a goiter.

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Happy Birthday!

My oldest son turned 12 years old on Sunday. He decided that he wanted a chocolate cake with strawberry frosting. Now before I continue, you need to promise not to make fun of my beautiful cake...keep in mind that I am NOT a baker. Promise?
Okay...

Okay, so whatever! If you want to see a Martha Stewart cake then go to her website alright.
That's not the point of this story anyway. We were getting ready to sing Happy Birthday when...the phone rang. Okay, stop everything...it's Grandma. The cake can wait!
After an indeterminable amount of time, Back to the Cake!

Oh, But Wait! Something is different. What could it be?

Do you see that dark spot in the corner of the cake? Where there is frosting missing? See it?

Oh well, Who Did It?

Was it you?

No Momma, It wasn't me.
Then who could it be?
Was it you?

Not me. I don't eat cake.
Then Who?
Oh yes, I should have known...

HE HE HE. It was me all along.
As my 6 foot tall neanderthal of a husband went lumbering through the house after this sweet little devlish face, my oldest son yelled, "It's okay. He just wanted a little taste. I'll eat that piece." We all just laughed.

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I'm a Moron

This picture is hysterical!

I can't stop laughing!

Come on be a Moron with me.

http://www.moronface.com/

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Check Out My Stuff

I have finally made it to Etsy! I only have one thing posted right now, but I am working on other projects so stay tuned!

Check me out at

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=8091196

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Which One is Which?

I have heard that sometimes pets look like their owners, but this chick really DOES look like her dog.

Sad part is...I think the dog is better looking :)

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RIP Johnny Castle

I was so sad when I heard that Patrick Swayze passed away. I will never forget the summer my sister and I watched Dirty Dancing every day, probably three times a day. We could recite that movie word for word. No matter what other roles I saw him in, he was always Johhny Castle to me.

RIP Johnny RIP

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Generosity

I don't know how many of you have visited my website http://www.memoirsofafatchick.com or how many of you know my story, but I'm very excited to say that I got my first donation from a lovely lady named Mindy at Bluegrass Money Management, LLC. Thank You Mindy :)

You know there was a time in my life when I had just about given up on the human race. The town that I lived in was full of bitter, mean people and they almost took me down with them. I had a hard time making friends, because people were not at all friendly. This is a place where nice guys do finish last. I was born and raised there so it was hard for me to say goodbye, but I felt like I had to. I had to get out for the sake of my kids. So we moved and I don't regret it for a minute. People are so very nice here. I've made friends and my kids love it. I've gotta tell you since I joined the blogging world, it has really opened my eyes up to how generous people can be. It has renewed my faith in mankind.

Whether you help me out with a few bucks, respond to my silly posts, chat with me on twitter, or just read my blog and website....Thank You. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest hours. Just Thank You!

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I Have A Confession!

When I tell you this story you have to promise not to judge me.

Promise?

Okay. So I have this fun little habit that I like to do and my husband tells me that it's creepy and someday I'll get arrested, but I don't think it's against the law. I have always been a people observer. I just find people interesting and I like to watch them. Well somewhere along the way I have developed this interesting thing that I do. Okay, Well...Alright! Well, you know at night when you are driving in your car and a house has it's lights on?...you know how if you look, you can see inside the house if their curtains are open? Well I like to look. Its fascinating to see what their house looks like on the inside. Is it Clean? Dirty? What kinds of decorations are hanging up? Do they have painted walls or wallpaper? (yes some people still use wallpaper).

It's just a curious habit that I have, especially during the holidays when they have all their decorations up. I'll be honest, it's not always a good thing. I have seen my fair share of asses and they are not always pretty, but for the most part ot's been a good experience. It's not like I go up to the window and stand there looking in. It's just a quick glimpse of someone elses life as we pass by. Thank you to all of those people who leave their curtains open.  

I'm not a freak. Am I?

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Want? Need? A Little of Both

I decided to go back to college and take a Literacy Add-On Program to enhance by Bachelor's degree. In order to qualify I needed to add a course so I decided to take a photography class. I have always loved taking pictures and I get so irritated with myself when I they do not come out. Well when I signed up they told me all I needed was a digital camera and I just so happen to hae one of those so I figured I was all set. Guess What? It's not the right kind. I need an SLR camera so after a little research I found the perfect one...

Isn't she beautiful? It's the Canon EOS Rebel XS18-55IS Kit...and it's all your for the low, low price of...wait for it....$549.88. Now if only I had that much money?

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All I Want for Christmas Is a Penis Chandelier!

Oh Please Santa! Pretty Please! I've Been So Good This Year!

I wonder how it hangs?

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Check Out This Article!

Big Boobs and Job Searching - Tory Johnson

Tory Johnson is the CEO of Women For Hire, the Workplace Contributor on ABC’s Good Morning America, and the author of Fired to Hired. Talk to her at Twitter.com/ToryJohnson or check out some of her advice http://abcnews.go.com/gma/jobclub or http://www.womenforhire.com/

I wish I could buy her book. That'll have to go on my wants list.

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Good Luck Is Coming My Way!

My son brought me home a Tootsie Pop and guess what I found on the wrapper...You guessed It! An Indian Shooting a Star. (Okay I know Indian is no longer politically correct, but that's what it's called) Anyway, if you know your childhood games then you know this is good luck and you are suppose to make a wish on it. I bet you can't guess what I am wishing for?

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Naughty Doggy

Okay so I had this bright idea that I was going to make stuffed animals and sell them on Etsy. I'm trying to do whatever I can to make some extra cash since our situation is pretty dire. I had never done this before so I made a pig first and I will admit that it was not good enough to sell probably, but still...

For my first attempt it was not that bad. Well I tried to learn from my mistakes on this one so that I could make another one that was better and sellable. The material was some that my mom gave me so I wasn't really out any money. All week my chihuahua, Scorpion, (hey my 5 year old named him so give me a break), had been eye balling my pig. He has a thing for stuffed animals.

Oh Yes! See those eyes...they were staring my poor pig down. So we all decided to go outside for a nice little distraction. Until it started downpouring, I mean buckets!, without notice...What the hell? Weatherman you are fired! So we all got inside nice and soaked. Well when things calmed a little, what do you think I saw?

That little drowned rat grabbed my piggy and ran with him. I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but piggy's leg is definately broken and he'll never be the same again. Maybe I should make dog toys instead?

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Tweet A Prize!

Get a FREE Link to your website from Tweet- A- Prize. All you have to do is sign up, post their contests and VOILA! They will post a link to your site on their site. Cool Huh? Just Click the link or the cute little bird.

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10 Things Fat Chicks Should Never Wear!

Listen...It's one thing to be living large, but it's a whole other ball game when you don't know that you are living large. Here are a couple helpful tips for you bodaciously beautiful ladies out there.


1. Thongs ~ Why bother wearing underwear?

2. Short Shorts ~ Is that Cottage Cheese all over her legs?

3.Tight Jeans ~ That's the largest camel toe I have ever seen.

4. Tank Tops ~ Holy Cow, She could fly with those arms.

5. Low Rider Jeans ~ Dunlap's Disease just gained a whole new meaning.

6. Half Shirts ~ Is that a muffin top?

7. Spandex ~ Are there midgets fighting in her pants?

8. Shirt without a bra ~ Ma'am your under arrest for concealing illegal weapons.

9.Stilettos ~ Those poor shoes...They should have a weight limit.

10. Bikini ~ Are they filming The Blob here?

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Why Do Dogs Eat Cat Poop?

Cat's already think they are superior...why do dogs give them more ammunition by eating their poop?

Better yet why do we let the dog lick our face?

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Obsessed With Being Obsessed!

I think I am obsessed with being obsessed. I hop from one obsession to the next like I'm playing hopscotch. My current obsession is this blog. I want to be a successful blogger, so I have been researching other peoples blogs and articles trying to gather tips. I just want to be successful at something. Right now I can't find a job to match my degree so I am trying to make money doing other things. Once I am done with this obsession though, I will be onto something else like sewing, scrapbooking, or photography...hopefully one of my obsessions will be successful.

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10 Things You Should Never Buy Used

Ok, so I was reading this article called "Ten Things You Should Never Buy Used" it talked about all this electronic stuff and household items. There are a few things that came to mind while reading this that were not on the list so here is my version of
"10 Things You Should Never Buy Used"

1. Underwear

2. Bathing Suit

3. Toothbrush

4. Deodorant

5. Hairbrush

6. Vibrators

7. Lipstick

8. Ped-Egg

9. Pantyhose

10. Make-up

I think I would buy a used computer part before I'd buy any of these items used.

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Note to Self!

Please remember that the brown spot on your upper right boob is NOT a blackhead. It is a mole and it belongs there!

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Style-ish Giveaway!

Click the Cupcake and join and awesome giveaway to help "I am Style-ish" Celebrate her 1 year blogiversary.

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I'm Moving to London!

People are GIVING AWAY MONEY! FREE MONEY! I want some. This is actually a pretty cool article. "Putpockets" give a little extra cash.

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Crying in the Shower

I like to cry in the shower...


No one can hear me and it washes my tears away. I always feel better after a good cry and that's what I just did!

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Check It Out

Better Late Than Never, but check this out! I thought it was cool and I'm definately doing it...What do you have to lose?

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Stop Staring!

Grumpy Bear has a staring problem! I've discussed this with him before, but it's getting out of hand. He was looking at me like this when I got out of the shower today...CREAPY!

I've had Grumpy since I was 6 years old. He is an original Care Bear and as you can tell he has seen better days. I love him though...he has gone every where with me since the day that I got him. He is the most educated well travelled bear you will ever see.

Now if we can just take care of his little peeping tom problem we will be okay...I wonder if he's been watching my husband and me.

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I Want Karyn Bosnak's Books!

I am an avid reader and like to read a lot of different genres. Since I have been keeping up with Karyn Bosnak's website http://prettyinthecity.blogspot.com/ I have just fallen in love with her...I know better late than never right. So I decided that I just have to have to her books. I tried to reason that this was a definite need, but my husband insists that it is a want. What do you think?

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Fat Chick Fund!

Okay so I have decided to Promote my Fat Chick Fund. I've got a little something for everyone that decides to be generous enough to donate some money to MY Fat Chick Fund. Okay are you ready? Wait for it....


Yes! That's right people...for every dollar you donate you wil get a Fat Chick Buck in return. You might ask, What are they good for? Well let me tell you. They are good for a laugh, stick them in a birthday card, give them to a friend that is having a bad day, use them for monopoly money, throw them all over your bed and roll in them...okay that might be stretching it. I think you get my point though. The first person to donate get's an extra $5.00 Fat Chick Bucks, if you donate more than $20, you'll get a special one of a kind $100 Fat Chick Buck. Who can resist that?

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Fat Girls!

Eli Braden e-mailed this video to me today and it is just what I needed to get myself out of the slump. It's hilarious.

"FAT GIRLS" by Eli Braden - watch more funny videos

If you want to see more of his work go to http://www.funnyordie.com/elibraden

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I'm So Depressed! BOO HOO!

Okay I need to let this all out so that I will feel better. I'm gonna have a Pity Party. My frigging air conditioner is broken and it is hotter than hell.WHY did I move to NC from NY? I think I'll take my lawn chair and go sit in the freezer section at Bi- Lo...why not? It worked for them on Married With Children, LOL. I'm dirt ass poor and have only been eating once a day to make food last as long as possible...so this fat chick is gonna be a skinny chick before long...Maybe that's a good thing. School starts on Aug. 25th. I still have no job and my kids have no sneakers, clothes, or supplies to start the year. If I do not come up with $2000 right quick I am going to be living in my car. Of course, that will be temporary, because they are going to take that for non payment. Karyn Bosnak says "Add it Up" and she's right but I'm already in the a black hole of depression...that just might make me jump! I will do it, I just need a bottle of Vodka and a joint...ha ha. Why did I go to college? Oh that's right to get a degree and make a better life for myself. HMMMM. How's that working out? Okay Okay. I'm done. Pity Party Over!

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Stinky Pickles

Okay so I think that the Prize Patrol got lost trying to find my house, but I have another opportunity next month, so who knows :)



When my youngest boy was around 2 years old he use to stick his feet in my face and say smell em' Well At some point I did and said jokingly, "EW they smell like pickles." So from that point on he called his toes pickles. Now everytime we we are playing he says "Momma, smell my pickles!" Kids say the funniest things...

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Wish Me Luck!

Okay so today is the day that Publishers Clearing House said they might come to my house...Someone in my area with my initials is gonna win! I'm sitting here waiting for them. I know this is the answer to my prayers. LOL

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I Need An Umbrella

With my birthday just a week away and no money to spend, I have been taking a closer look at things that I want VS things that I need. I have decided to dedicate part of my blog to these difficult decisions. Sometimes it's hard to separate the two. Like I just got back from my youngest son's football practice and I got soaked...I look like Boog off Open Season when he ends up in the river. Football season is a long season and it rains all the time here. I feel that I really need an umbrella. I know that some would argue, but I can't afford to go the doctor's if I get sick so I'd rather get the umbrella. I'm not sure if I will actually break down and buy one, because I can always thinnk of better ways to use the money, but I'm gonna mark this one down as a need.

Laugh Factor ~ Today is laundry day so when I got dressed I ended up with a black bra and pink shirt. I was okay with the, because who would know? You couldn't see through my pink shirt until it started to pore at football practice...Yes I was the fat chick in the black bra and wet pink t-shirt. Of course if I was a size 3 it would have been considered sexy. Instead 5 year olds and probably some adults are gonna have nightmares tonight.

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